


Don't Judge Me, Diary

by AkumaNoDanna



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Diary/Journal, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Prostitution, SasoDei - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-23
Updated: 2015-04-23
Packaged: 2018-03-25 10:31:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 27,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3807055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AkumaNoDanna/pseuds/AkumaNoDanna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hello, I'm Deidara. Nice to meet you. I'm hungry. My head hurts. Tomorrow, it'll be my first day of college. I moved into a new city. I should probs get a job. I'm still hungry. Maybe I'll find some coins in my pockets? SasoDei</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First Entry

**Author's Note:**

> This one of my favorites from my personal fanfiction archive. It was a hella journey writing it and very nostalgic re-reading it. I've probably re-read it more than any other works of mine.

_August 27th, Friday_

Dear diary – that's how you're supposed to start one of these journals, right? I have no idea.

Since no one else will be reading this anyway, it doesn't really matter, right? It'll just be between you and me. Great, I'm making friends with an inanimate object. Life's sweet.

Okayz, so… I'll start off with introducing myself. I'm Deidara, last name's Iwaga. I'm 19. At the moment I'm sitting in my new apartment on the academy campus. It's pretty small and empty, but damn expensive. And when I said EMPTY, I meant empty. In the living room, there's a couch and a random kitchen chair. In the kitchen, there's an untrustworthy-looking cooker that looks like it could fall apart any moment; a small fridge (no, there's no food in it), a counter with a glass, a plate and a fork on it (that's it for my current tableware) and an actually decent-looking microwave chilling on the tiled floor. No table yet. I think I should relocate that chair in the living room to the kitchen.

The most expensive thing in my apartment is my double-bed, I think. It's the only thing in my bedroom. I'm going shopping tomorrow. I need a wardrobe, a table and a laptop. I don't think I'll have any money left over for a TV. I need some stuff for the course as well and they were supposed to be expensive. Canvases, an easel… I have the money my aunt gave me and that'll have to do for some time.

I remember reading somewhere that in the first entry of a diary, you should write about yourself. Hm. A few more days and I'll be starting in the Academy of Art University. It's damn expensive and my aunt is paying for it. She's like 50 or sth, but looks like a 25-year old. Her name is Tsunade. She was my mother's sister. She's a rich lady. Sometimes I wonder whether she could be a drug dealer. She gave me a budget to start off with, but that money won't last for long. I won't have to worry about the rent and the study fees, but everything else… Shit, I should start looking for a job.

I don't have any parents. They died when I was little and I don't know anything about them. So yeah… My aunt said Dad got cancer and Mom died in some accident. No, don't feel sorry for me. I'm over it. Or... actually, that's not correct. What I mean is that, maybe I am missing something, but I wouldn't really know, since I've never had it. So yeah. Don't feel sorry. I mean it. I hate it when people pity me, I've had enough of it to last me a lifetime. So please, take my advice and just don't. Because, y'know, you're inanimate and shit… No offence.

Okayz soo… more about myself? I'm male. I look like a girl, except for the missing boobs. I'm bi-sexual, but haven't had any boyfriends. The longest relationship I've had lasted for three months. Then I killed the bitch. Lol, jk. But I really wanted to.

I had my first kiss when I was 10. Frankly, it was an accident, even though I liked the girl. She, though, had an older brother who witnessed it. I still have a scar on my left bicep. He didn't miss a spot on my body. I remember limping to my aunt's house. I was a mess to say the least. Fortunately, she's a doctor. I got grounded after that, though. I remember being angry as hell, thinking 'isn't getting beat up a punishment enough?'.

Hm, what else? I didn't get bullied in the high school or anything and the school was quite small. I had a few friends, but I don't talk to them anymore. We grew apart, I guess, after graduation.

My first time was… when I was 17. It was after a party, I was drunk and so was the bitch I had been together for two months then. She's the one I told you about, the one I wanted to kill. Fortunately, she didn't manage to get pregnant or anything. If that had been the case, I would've killed her. And don't come complaining about it being too much information or something. You're inanimate, remember that! You have no right to complain.

I think that's all...? I'll add shit later, if I recall something.

Lol. I just yawned. Cool. I think I'm off to bed. It's around midnight already and my hand is hurting from all the writing.

Talk later? (Too weird?)

Deidara

PS! Song of the day – Diary of Jane (by Breaking Benjamin)


	2. Second Entry

_August 28th, Saturday, 4:52 pm_  (I decided to add the time, just in case)

Dear diary,

I am soooooooooooooooooooo tired. The neighbors kept me up all night. They were having some killer party at 1 am and it went on for about 5 hours. At about 3 o'clock, I actually got my ass up and went to knock on their door. This is how it went:

I knock on the door. No answer. I knock again. Still no answer. I continue knocking, kicking the door with my foot as well until I hear a key being inserted and turned. The door swings open and I am greeted by a woosh of smoke and heavy, ear-killing music. In the doorway stands a pink-haired female, about the same age as I. She's clearly drunk.

The girl: "What the fuck do you want?"

Me: "Sleep."

Girl: "You can go get laid elsewhere, this house is full."

Me: "I didn't mean sex. I. Want. To. Sleep."

Girl: "Whatever, I don't care. Get the fuck out of here, shitface!"

And she slammed the door shut.

My head is killing me. Well, at least I've succeeded in making friends with one of my neighbors. Oh shit, where did I put the Tylenol? Sorry, wait, I'll be right back. (Why am I apologizing to you?)

_August 28th, Saturday, 5:17 pm_

Okayz, I'm back.

So, I went shopping today and let me tell you this – now I'm officially broke. WHY THE FUCK DO EASELS COST SO FUCKING MUCH? Anywho, in addition to the art supplies, I got a kitchen table and two chairs to go with it, a few dishes and shit like that, a small chest of drawers, an actually decent laptop and some food that I ate immediately. Now I'm broke and already hungry. I think I still have a pack of instant noodles left… I need money. Seriously. I hope that I still have some credit so I can call my aunt for a few extra bucks…?

I also went to check out the university building today – it's fucking amazing! Really! A piece of art. Once again I'm happy that I didn't manage to kill myself a few years back and can now live a life like this. Oh right, you didn't know about that. Heh, it's a long story. Don't feel like sharing it at the moment.

That's it for today, I guess. THREE MORE DAYS TILL THE START OF COLLEGE! (and I'm broke ALREADY! Oh shit, I need to call Tsunade… I'm gonna get yelled at... when will these brackets end?)

Write later,

Deidara

PS! Song of the day – We are broken By Paramore


	3. Third Entry

_August 31st, Tuesday, 5:05 am_

Dear diary,

Yeah, yeah, I haven't written for a few days. I never said I would! Besides, you can't take offence. Know your place – you're a notebook.

OK, yes, I'm up early, but the truth is that I never even went to sleep. My neighbors are partying. AGAIN. Ugh. I feel like I should go and seriously talk to them, but I know there are many males there as well, and they're drunk, and I'm not much of a fighter… sigh.

I called Tsunade for some extra bucks. She yelled at me for half an hour straight! She always treats me like a baby -.- "As long as you depend on me and my money, you, indeed, ARE a baby!" Blah-blah-blah. Anyways, I got 20 bucks out of the deal. That's gonna last me… a week, the most? If I only eat instant noodles. Will do.

GAHH I NEED A JOB! I scanned the local newspaper for some job advertisements. There was one for a waiter in a pizza bar. It said that no experience was needed, so I guess I should give it a try. After all, I can't be picky.

I'm soo hungry and sleepy…

A few more hours and the shops will be open! Guess I'll be the first in line.

Oh also, did I mention that classes start tomorrow? I'd be so excited and jumping on the spot, if only I weren't so sleepy and hungry.

SIGH. OK.

Peace out for now!

Deidara

PS! Song of the day - Strange by Tokio Hotel feat. Kerli


	4. Fourth Entry

_September 8th, Wednesday, 6:17 PM_

Dear diary,

GAHHH! I CANNOT BELIEVE IT! FUCK THIS SHIT! UGH! FUCK YOU ALL, I'LL KILL YOU ALL ONE DAY ANYWAY!

…

OK, here's the long story short: I GOT FIRED FROM THE PIZZA BAR! WHAT THE FUCKEDY HELL! And before you start all like 'Guess you fucked up a great deal', I assure you, it was TOTALLY not my fault!

As I was saying, I got hired as a waiter and all was going well. I took the customers' orders, passed them on to the cook, got their food, gave it to the customers, collected money (I even got tips!) and helped clean up the tables later. I had to wear a tux lol. That was, like, hilarious. Haha. Not so funny anymore, though.

And everything seemed to be going just fine today as well – until a group of drunkards staggered in. Oh Jesus Christ, they yelled, they smelled – you get the picture. It was awful! There was about seven of them. And OF COURSE, I was the one assigned to take their orders. Thank you very much! I hate you too, fucking hags of hell working in that bar!

Ok, so they – the drunkards - couldn't make up their minds on their orders and their attention was easy to drift, so after a few minutes, the menus lay under the table all but forgotten and suddenly, I was in the spotlight! WTF! They were tugging on my clothes and going all like 'are you single?', 'how much for a blowjob?', 'can I have the number of the brothel you work in?'. FUCKING ASSHOLES! I'M NOT A FUCKING WHORE! Geezus CHRIST! I'm getting all worked up all over again just at the memory!

Now, don't get me wrong – I TRIED being all professional and mature about it. But it didn't work out so well. When one of them grabbed my ass, I slapped him and told him to go fuck his blind dog. And that was exactly the moment my boss passed by. Fuck My Life. No, seriously, fuck it and burn it, cause I don't want it.

I didn't even get paid for the work I'd done that day! It's a miracle the boss didn't kiss me in the ass when throwing me out! He was... yeah, he was furious. So now I'm broke. But I'm guessing this doesn't surprise you.

Once again, I called Tsunade. And guess what? (You, diary: What?) She yelled at me! Whoa! Bet you didn't saw THAT coming! Called me names… moron, retard, brat. Oh Jesus. I kind of… hate her for that. I KNOW that she's the reason any of this – my apartment, my studies in the uni – is possible, but couldn't she be at least a TINY bit more understanding and compassionate? C'mon, I TOLD her it WASN'T my fault! THEY WERE DRUNK BASTARDS, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! THEY TREATED ME LIKE A WHORE! Which isn't very nice, btw.

But I got another 20 bucks! Tadaa! That's the bright side! And she told me to get a new job quickly and that she doesn't give a rat's ass what kind of a job it is. Oh wow, fantastic. See how  _caring_ and  _motherly_ she is? GAHH FUCKING BITCH!

Sigh. Oh right, I haven't really told you anything about her yet. Well, I guess I have told a  _little,_ but yeah… Ok, she's THE  _farthest_  you could imagine from a mother figure. If you want to draw parallels between her and someone, I advise you to pick a general or… a general. Yeah, she pretty much acts like one.

She never comforts or tries to sugar coat a hurtful fact, she gives it to you straight. Probably a good thing when you're an adult, but not so much when you're a five-year old, whose dog got run over by a truck. Twice. By the same truck when it was backing.

I still miss Snoopy. I knew she always hated him.

Tsunade doesn't like dogs one bit, only cats. She has a cat. The furball's name is Malachi. Ugly, I know. She's the breed that could be described as way-too-furry-and-puffy and way-too-much-everything. Also, her face looks like it got hit flat with a frying pan. That's our beauty!

Oh, right, so I had to describe Tsunade. I've already mentioned that she's a doctor and gets paid really well. But the sacrifice is her free time – she rarely has any of that. She was home very seldom and I spent most of my time alone in the big house. Guess where my antisocialism comes from. This, though, is not something I blame her for. She did her best.

Looking back now, I can't say she was the most horrible person to live with… Better than a sociopath. A shit load better. She was very strict… and still is. Why am I using the past tense again?

Sigh. I still gotta find myself a job. Almost forgot…

Um…

I'm gonna go out and see whether I can get another newspaper… maybe there are some lying on the ground at the bus station... since, y'know, I'm broke and can't even afford to buy a newspaper. Life's great.

Later,

Deidara

PS! Song of the day – Undead (by Hollywood Undead)

Lyrics of the day:

_That shit's as worse as it gets, this verse is over, I quit!_

_Signed Charlie Scene on your girlfriend's tits!_

My version:

_Signed Deidara I. on your boyfriend's dick!_


	5. Fifth Entry

_September 15th, Wednesday, 10:09 PM_

Dear diary,

Things are going downhill. Even more than they have been going so far. The incline has become even steeper. Fuck this world.

I've got many things to tell you. It's a great thing that I have all the time in the world, since I can't sleep. Fucking party animals.

OK, so at the moment, every inch of my body hurts. I got into a fight – boy, you must be proud of me! It was last night that my lovely neighbors were having yet another party! And this time, I got seriously fed up! I mean, they've been having parties nearly every other night! A GUY NEEDS SOME SLEEP! I haven't told you anything about my studies yet, but get this – lack of sleep isn't helping any.

Anyways. Uhh… they were having a party, I told you that… I got fed up, told you that as well… Oh yeah. So, I got up and went there, knocked until someone answered, and yelled at the girl who'd opened the door that they'd keep it down. It was the same pink-haired girl again. She was staring at me with a blank look throughout all my yelling. Drunk zombie. Oh drunkards… fucking my life up again.

So, wanna know what I found out? Oh, I found out a bunch of stuff!

Firstly, the girl's name is Tayuya. Now ain't that a lovely name?

Secondly, she has a boyfriend and I had the pleasure of meeting him, too! You see, her boyfriend was at the party as well. He's tall, muscular, has broad shoulders, silver hair. I also found out HIS name! It's Hidan! And want to know one last thing I found out? He's an experienced street fighter! Ain't that just what you'd call AWESOMESAUCE AND SHIT ON TOP?

Yeah, that shit went well. I've got two black eyes, there was blood running out of my nose, and a whole bunch of bruises are now covering my chest and legs. I hate my life. I seriously do.

Well, I can't say this is the first time for me, getting beat up and all. I don't know whether you remember, but I said that 'I was happy I didn't manage to kill myself a few years back'. Haha, yeah, about that. It happened when I was still living with Tsunade. She had to go away for two months and paid two of her friends to stay over and babysit me. I was 15.

Let's just say it started off pretty nice and all. It was a man and a woman, both in their early thirties. They brought along their son. Well, their son wasn't very nice. He introduced me to his group of friends and we went out to a party. Some bastard drugged me and… well, let's just say it was a VERY painful night and my ass hurt like hell for a week after that.

They raped me under a viaduct. I can still clearly remember the sharp and wet and cold rocks digging into my back, while they... yeah. I said before that my first time was when I was 17. That was a lie. This was my official 'first'.

They left me in the cold night, dressed in my dirty rags – that's what was left of my clothes. I guess I kind of fainted after they left. Yeah, AFTER. Why couldn't I lose consciousness before that? Would've saved me from those images haunting me in my nightmares.

Anyways, I felt so filthy and broken when I woke up that I wanted to commit suicide. You would've too, I assure you. That was a dark hour for me.

I lay down on the railway and waited for a train to arrive and kill me. I was crying as I lay there, gazing up at the sky, too weak to say anything. But in my mind, I was yelling at the God that he didn't exist. Or that if he did, he was worse than the devil. Memories... I've wished for amnesia on several occasions in my life.

But that night... (You, diary: WHAT HAPPENED THAT NIGHT?) Well, I obviously died. That's why I'm here, you know?

OK, that was a shitty joke. What really happened is that some passers-by found me before a train was even in sight and they called the police and I was escorted home. At home I had a conversation with Tsunade that I NEVER EVER want to relive again. Yeah. The end.

On a side note, I'm broke again! Yay! It's brighter than being raped! I have like… 1$ left! Hell yeah! *sarcasm*

(You, diary: What about getting a job like you said you would?)

There are NO suitable jobs for me! I SWEAR! No places here hire university students. Well, yeah, since we, students, OBVIOUSLY don't need any money! Pfft! Why would anyone even think that? It's self-evident that ALL students have parents willing to baby them and give them all the FUCKING money they need!

Sorry, I'm just really… out of it. I'm hungry and it's killing my nerves. GAH, I'm a fuck up.

Uhh… I'm gonna try to get some sleep, before they turn the volume up again.

Smell you later?

Deidara

Song of the day: Bullet (by Hollywood Undead)

 


	6. Sixth Entry

_September 19th, Sunday, 7:18 PM_

Dear diary,

I feel like a zombie… I just sold my laptop on eBay. And now whenever I need access to Internet, I have to go to uni. But I had no other choice, I had no money left! And I needed food! The price was pretty low, but I needed it sold and FAST! So now I'm enjoying a cup of instant noodles after a while. Oh the warmth running down my throat… Have you ever tasted instant noodles? Like, _really_  tasted them after many days of living on bread and water? Of course you haven't, you're a notebook. But let me tell you – it feels like heaven.

Ok, since I'm in a slightly brighter mood than usual, I'm gonna talk about my studies. I'm doing great! I'm studying fine art and all my sketches have been graded with As and Bs so far. Isn't that great? Kind of gives the wrong impression of how I'm actually doing.

I don't really talk to any of the students there… lol, good old antisocial me.

ACTUALLY, I did talk to one dark-haired girl today! She dropped her pen and I picked it up and she said 'thank you'. OK, maybe that wasn't exactly what you'd call a conversation, but she smiled at me! Progress! Maybe I should try actually talking to her… but I'm kinda afraid of the impression I might leave. Argh… damn.

OK, things are actually going well after a while. This money should get me through a month at least and by then, I'm pretty sure I've found a job. So, SMILE! IT'S ALRIGHT, IT'S OKAY!

I've actually worked out a new schedule, so I'd get some sleep with all the loud music coming from the party apartment. Right after finishing classes, I come home and sleep. Then I wake up and stay awake during the night, finishing my paintings. Genius, eh?

From time to time, I'm kinda glad that I know no one on the campus. That means no visitors. Seriously, my apartment is a MESS! Paintbrushes and empty canvases EVERYWHERE. I'd be so embarrassed if anyone saw this.. Oh, if TSUNADE saw this... lol... she's eat me alive. Geesh, I really should clean up… Pfft. Later.

BY THE WAY, I met someone… overly CUTE! No, I'm not talking about a puppy. And cute isn't the right word. It's a boy. And he's HOT. Like, BURNING HOT.

(You, diary: OMG!)

Well… I didn't like meet-meet him. I saw him in the hallway. Several times. OhMyGod he's like HNNNNG~! Now I'm talking like a teenage girl. Great. Ugh. But HE IS! I think he's studying graphic design… he was in Mr. Kakashi's class. Why couldn't he be in my class? C'mon dude, come to fine art~~

OK, so, let me describe him: he's taller than me, broad-shoulders, pale skin, kind of reddish eyes, black hair that reaches his shoulders. He wears tight black jeans and black t-shirts and he's… sexy. For the lack of a better word. I think I heard his friends calling him Itachi.

Oh geezus. It'd be cool if I could talk to him or something… courage. I lack of it. Ah damn. OK, I think I'm gonna try to get some sleep before the party starts…

Talk to you later,

Deidara

PS! Song of the day – I don't wanna be in love (by Good Charlotte)

 


	7. Seventh Entry

_September 25th, Saturday, 6:25 AM_

Dear diary,

Things have gone from good to bad again. Oh, I feel that I am such an idiot, fuck up, disgrace! I can't believe it…. Why am I such a moron?

OK, I see my last entry was last Sunday, so you have missed out on a shit load of things. Well goody, goody for you, I have been dealing with it. More or less. I can't believe I'm crying at the moment. How stupid of me. It's ruining the paper. Why won't these tears stop?

As I told you, I got some money from selling my laptop. On Wednesday, after classes, I went to a mall off the campus to buy myself some proper food. I actually wanted a COOKED meal, and some coffee would've been nice as well. Oh coffee, I love coffee. Haven't drunk it in AGES. Or a month, to be exact.

But did you notice that I'm using conditional structure? Hint, hint – I didn't get any of that shit.

OK, so this is how it all happened:

I had (almost) all of my money in my wallet that was in my back pocket. Don't come asking 'why on Earth would you take so much money with you?' Well, I sure WOULD, if I KNOW that I won't be going to that mall for quite some time after that. I needed to stock up and that requires money. Is that clear now? No more questions? Fucking good.

I was walking down the street away from the bus station when a random guy bumped into me. He had a hood on and looked all gangsta-ish and I was like 'Hey! What the fuck is your problem?' He just shrugged and did a kissing motion towards me. I flipped him off and turned around, walking on.

Later in the mall, I was just about to pay the cashier, when I noticed the absence of my wallet. Fuckedy sicky fuck. THAT MOTHERFUCKER STOLE MY MONEY! I paled and blushed at the same time! Never in my life have I been SO humiliated! And believe me, I've been humiliated in the past over and over again.

I had bought tons and tons of stuff and the line was really long behind me and then I'm like 'Oops. Sorry. I've lost my wallet.' EVERYONE was glaring at me, even those waiting in other cues! EVEN THE FUCKING SECURITY GUARDS! Seriously, I was 100% sure they were going to arrest me for pulling an awful prank.

OK, after miraculously getting away from that place, I had to WALK home. No money for a bus ticket, remember? My feet hurt like hell after that. When I arrived at home, I did a Viparita Karani, which is the pose where you have your legs up on a wall – those who've done yoga should know, and wanted to rest a little. I was so messed up, my head hurt like hell and I had run out of painkillers. And you know what happened then? (You, diary: Tayuya started the party again…?) YUP! How on Earth did you see that coming? You're a psychic, my notebook!

Ohkay, then I had a really restless night and failed to finish my assignments for Thursday, so I had to re-do them (glad the professor allowed me). I spent the two bucks I had left on coffee to be able to stay up late and finish the assignment for Friday. Got that done, at least.

I guess you already know where this is going – I'm broke, no job, yada yada, time to call Tsunade! I don't know what had happened to her (maybe she killed a patient of hers or something), but she was really upset and yelled at me for an hour straight. Ok, I'm already used to that. She's the kind of person who's able to make me feel like shit about feeling like shit. Amazing, eh? But get this – and I was NOT prepared for this – during the last two minutes, she snapped at me that she was sending me no more extra money and that she doesn't give a shit (she actually said it that way) whether I die of starvation or not. I feel so loved.

Well, a 19-year old guy shouldn't long for love from his relatives, right? Nah, that wouldn't be 'manly'. He would be looked down on by the society. He'd be regarded as a failure, a disgrace. Well, guess what? FUCK YOU, SOCIETY! I'm not a fucking ROBOT! If you think that God or whatever gives out a dick and invincible emotional strength as a two-in-one package, then you're wrong. Or who knows, maybe you're not. Maybe I'm wrong? But then I sure as hell only received half of that package.

Oh diary, why am I crying to you? You're inanimate, so fuck you too.

Ahhh, I don't know what to DO! SHIT! I don't even KNOW anyone around here! What am I expected to do? How can I just go up to someone and say 'hey, um, I know we're not friends or anything, but could we pretend to be? I'm broke and starving…'.

Ahhhh, who the fuck made up all those songs about 'saviors' and whatnot? Why do you sing about fiction? Or if you mean to tell me that they're real, WHERE'S  _MY_ SAVIOR? COZ I DON'T SEE NO STINKING ONE!

Ok, I'm done ranting. I'm gonna go kill myself now.

Just kidding, jokes. (Haha, so funny) I'm gonna take a shower to help me relax a little and then go look for another newspaper. (At 6:30 AM. lol.) There HAVE to be some kind of jobs available… or else I'm done for it.

Uhh… talk/write later,

Deidara

PS! Song of the day/dawn – Exodus (by Evanescence)

 


	8. Eighth Entry

_October 8th, Friday, 12:03 PM_

Dear diary,

Oh diary, I feel so filthy, so damn filthy. I'm a whore. A slut. Man-slut. Man-whore. Bastard. I don't know anymore. Who am I?

I haven't written in a while. I've been working on getting my life back on track. (You, diary: And…? How's it going…?) I… uhh… You'd better not judge me. I just got over myself two minutes ago, so I don't need anyone bringing me back down. Especially since I'm supposed to go on stage in half an hour. (You, diary: ?) Yeah, I'll get to that.

Ahh, where to start…? I still don't know whether I made the right choice. I guess the alternative would've been starvation, but still… My head is reeling, thoughts are spinning… I find it hard to breathe between the sobs… OK, so remember when I lost my money and Tsunade told me that she didn't care anymore and all that shit happened that I wrote about in the last entry? Yeah, well, I didn't manage to get a job after that. I fed off what I found in trash cans for about a week, even stole an ice cream from a five-year old. So it wasn't the healthiest lifestyle, or one with high morals, and it was definitely creepy, BUT WHAT THE FUCK WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO? AHH?

So, yeah. That's what I did. I hope the police never gets their hands on this diary. But hey, at least they offer free food in prison, right? And I've heard they even have TVs there… gosh, I wish I was in prison right now.

Reality check. Anyways, my story continues. I was out late, wandering off the campus when I passed by a brothel. Actually, I didn't notice it at first, but there was a man smoking in front of it and he stopped me. He put his hand down on my shoulder and I swear I screamed the loudest I have in my life. He scared the shit out of me! C'mon, it was dark outside and he was like… ok, the man was/is downright creepy-looking. He has fucking STICHES on his fucking tanned FACE. You'd scream like a little girl too, if a guy like that stopped you on a dark and empty street and you realized you were all alone and had no pepper spray with you.

It turned out that the man wasn't a complete psychopath, though. I'm not saying that he's mentally okay, but he behaved quite well. He told me that I looked very hot (I was like 'this is so not going in the right direction…') and that I looked like I was starving. Well, he got that shit right. So he asked whether I wanted to come inside and have a snack. For free. Of COURSE I said yes. C'mon, free food! Fuck danger, I. WAS. STARVING!

I tried to ignore all the naked guys dancing in the first room and all the naked chicks dancing in the next one. We went to his office and I could still hear the loud music from the other rooms after he'd shut the door. He offered me a seat and I took it. Then he asked me what I'd like and I said that his table made my mouth water. He laughed – actually it was something in-between a chuckle and i-think-I'm-crazy mumble, but I guess it falls under the category of different-laughs-people-do – and fished out a cake from his closet.

A CAKE. In his motherfucking CLOSET. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? Why would you do that? Why the fuck would you keep a cake in your closet? Why not just eat it or send it to the starving children of my apartment? Meaning – me?

Anyways, he also gave me a plate and a spoon and asked me how much I could eat. I asked how much he would give me. He shrugged and said that he had another cake in the closet. I took that motherfucking cake and ate it all up off the plate without dirtying the plate he'd given me. (How nice of me.) He was shocked. Haha. His expression actually made me smile.

So, having gotten me in a good mood and all, he sat down as well and made an offer – a job offer, to be exact. I was shocked and frightened at first, of course, but he talked to me really kindly (even told me his name – Kakuzu. Now why the hell would I be interested in his name?) and explained that all I'd have to do was dance in front of a crowd and that it'd pay  _really_ well, if I did it properly, since the crowd tends to give tips to the most successful ones. He added that my job here could be kept a secret and that  _no one_ had to find out. I can't say that that was what worried me at that time, but I guess it was rather convenient.

Seeing as I wasn't able to make up my mind right there on the spot, he suggested that I'd sleep on it and came back the next day. That's what I did. And after starving for another 24 h, I'd made up my mind for sure – I'll dance, I'll strip, JUST GIVE ME THAT OTHER CAKE YOU'RE HIDING IN YOUR CLOSET!

I didn't get the cake, though, but he gave me a few slices of pizza. Then he asked whether I had to be anywhere the next morning. I told him no (it was Friday night - no classes on Saturday). So he said that he'd have someone give me dancing lessons. He called some fuckard and that dude showed up behind his office door in five minutes or sth. Well, if Kakuzu had looked creepy, then this new dude was a total freak. He had outrageous blue hair and dark red scars on his neck, like Wolverine had attacked him or something. He was supposed to be my dancing teacher. Oh great. Fantastic.

Well, at first it was really awkward. Even though I (kinda) wanted the job, I couldn't dance with that guy – Kisame – staring at me. So he put a blindfold on me. C-R-E-E-P-Y. I really freaked out at first, but he managed to calm me down. And I guess the technique kinda worked. He made me just listen to the music and move my body to the rhythm. I was like *moving body* 'I have no idea what I'm doing'. But he said I was great.

He called for Kakuzu and I had to dance for him as well (while still wearing a blindfold). He, too, said that I was really good (wtf?) and that I'd become their 'blindfolded treasure'.

I came back every night at 8 pm (I couldn't sleep in my apartment anyway, so why not?) and each night I'd learn some new tricks. I met a few more… uhh… co-workers, but they aren't really important atm. Then, one night, in the middle of my dancing lesson, Kakuzu dashed in and said that I'd be up next. On the stage. To dance for the audience.

I was like 'WTF? ALREADY?' But nobody listened to me. Kisame hurried me to a changing room and dressed me in… completely ordinary clothes. Well, almost. He gave me a pair of skinny jeans that had zippers running down the legs so they'd be easy to take off. And he gave me a black button-up shirt. And then, of course, the  _blindfold._

Right on cue, Kakuzu entered the room and said that I looked perfect. I would've said 'thanks' had I not been so frigging  _scared!_ Kisame sensed it and told me not to worry. He said that I had to do everything the way I'd done in class and everything would be fine. Kakuzu said to act on instinct and not to take too much time with stripping my clothes off. That was it for the prep talk.

Kakuzu grabbed my hand and ushered me onto stage. It was awfully quiet. Much too quiet. I'd watched some of my co-workers perform and the audience had always been extremely noisy and cheering them on. It was quiet now that I and Kakuzu were on stage. I felt self-conscious. What was wrong with me?

Kakuzu grabbed the mic (at least that's what I assume he did. I was blindfolded – remember?) and  _introduced_  me. "…  _and his name is Deidara. He's new, but very good. Please be gentle with him…"_ I felt like a 10-year old who had changed schools and was now being introduced in front of his new class.

Then he left, after giving me a gentle smack against my back. I swallowed. I felt really nervous, but at the same time I was extremely grateful for the blindfold. Not being able to see that audience was probably the only thing keeping me from peeing my pants.

Then the music started and I took a deep breath, imagining that I was back in class with Kisame. The projector lights were really hot and kept me from getting cold once I'd removed my shirt and pants. Since I was afraid of dripping over the edge of the stage, I didn't let my hand leave the pole on the left side of the stage.

People reached out when I was close to the ground and tucked cash between my boxers. Even though I would've probably cried out of happiness at the sight of that money, I felt horrible, for the lack of a better word. I felt like  _gagging._ I was certain, and still am, that I am going to hell. Oh well. At least I'll be able to greet the devil with some money in my hands.

When the song ended, I felt someone grab my hand from behind. I was scared – again - until I heard the soothing voice of Kisame. He escorted me away from the stage. Back in the dressing room, when I could finally remove the blindfold, Kisame handed me a white envelope. I opened it curiously and frigging GASPED. Like seriously, HOLY SHIT. ALL THE MONEY IN IT! Kisame explained that only a part of it was my payment – the rest were tips given by my audience. According to him, they had  _loved_ me.

Kinda ironic, now that I think about it. I lost my only relative's love, and it got replaced by the love from my audience in a brothel. Can't say that I saw this coming, but… nothing. Never mind. I'm not even sure how I intended to end that sentence.

AnyWHORE, I could say that I'm pretty experienced by now – I don't have to stick to the pole anymore. I can move on the stage freely with the blindfold on without fearing falling. Now ain't that something to be proud of? I bet my parents are silently cheering and sending me mental kisses in their graves. Geezus, I surely HAVE made them proud.

Now enough with the sarcasm. I have money for food – that's what's important. The tips haven't been as big as on my first performance – thanks to Kakuzu – but it's still enough to get me by. I've learnt to survive without the help of others. Cheers!

Later, (gotta get on stage. Kakuzu's calling)

Deidara

PS! Song of the day – Nobody's Home (by Avril Lavigne)

 


	9. Ninth Entry

_October 23rd, Saturday, 4.17 AM_

Dear diary,

I only seem to write entries when something ultimately bad has happened. And no, today is no exception.

It took a few hours, but I'm finally calm and my hand is steady enough to allow me write. All had been going well for about two weeks, until yesterday night. Yesterday was Friday, btw, and I was feeling pretty tired at the uni. When the final lecture ended, a group I knew but had never spoken to came up to me and asked whether I wanted to go out for some drinks later that night. One of them was supposed to be buying.

And you know me. Of course I agreed. I mean, why not? It's free!

Their names were Akira (the one who was supposed to treat us), Chiko, Manzo and Kano. Despite their sense of humor that differed from mine a great deal (what's so funny about referring to a girl as 'the slut'? I don't get it), I got along pretty well with them.

But then they got drunk. I was drunk as well, I guess, but not that much. I've never gotten the whole 'drunk and free' feeling. I only get major headaches in the mornings. But that's beside the point. The point is they were drunk, period. And as the night rolled on it became more and more obvious what an outsider I was. They had kinda teamed up and the remarks about me went nastier and nastier. And finally, one of them blurted out that he knew I worked at a strip club.

Believe me, I wanted to flee right then and throw up in some nearby WC and just get hit by amnesia and forget that it all ever happened. But I couldn't. They literally didn't let me leave. So I decided to wait until they passed out and escape then.

The whole thing was Manzo's idea – the bet, I mean. They made a bet whether I could deep throat Chiko in that bar's bathroom. And if I could, I was supposed to get 1000 bucks. God, they even flapped the money right in my face! (Don't ask me where they got the money. Fucking spoiled kids babied by their parents. Mommies' little monsters.)

And okay, I guess I was kinda drunk by then already (not enough to give me a black out, though. shit.) and c'mon 1000 FRIGGING BUCKS. I would've been able to quit my job at the strip club!

I didn't mention the fact that I'd never actually given a blowjob to anyone, since I danced, but didn't sleep with the customers. But I knew the theory – how hard could it be?

As it turned out - pretty hard. I managed, but when I was finished and Chiko cummed, that's when things went from BAD to WORSE. I hadn't noticed then but they'd filmed it and I wanted to get Manzo's mobile phone to delete the video and it turned into a fight. Four against one. Guess who won?

They left me lying all beat up on the bathroom floor and took off. Needless to say that I didn't get the money. I've got black eyes and a LOT of bruises. My lip STILL hasn't stopped bleeding. And Kakuzu's going to be so angry with me for ruining my image. I don't want to whine or anything, but am I allowed to say FML?

I FUCKING HATE THIS LIFE! I. WANNA. FUCKING. DIE.

Why can't I? Why can't I die? Because I'm too much of a coward to take my own life, so I keep hoping that some terrorists bomb the uni when I'm in it. Maybe, when I get enough money, I could hire an assassin to kill me? Or maybe I've got enough courage to do it myself by then?

I know the video's gonna end up on the Internet soon. And maybe it's what I deserve. I mean, how could I be so fucking STUPID?

I'm sobbing again. Crybaby.

If I don't write again, it means my wish came true and I died. But don't count on that – I don't have that kind of luck.

See you (maybe),

Deidara

P.s. Song of the day – Dear Agony (by Breaking Benjamin)

 


	10. Tenth Chapter

_November 4th, Thursday, 11.51 PM_

Dear diary,

Almost two weeks have passed by since my last entry and I still haven't spotted the video anywhere on the Internet. What are they waiting for? I've already gotten used to the fact that people view me as a man-whore and they aren't even wrong anymore. Thank Kakuzu. I got 'promoted' as he put it.

The night I went to club Venus (that's the name of the place I work at) all covered in bruises, yeah, he was really mad. Said he would've beaten me up also, if only bruises didn't take so long to heal. But then after the show, his mood had completely changed and he had that look on his face as though he wanted to hug me or something. It was creeping me out. When I went to get my money from him, I also asked what had happened.

As it turns out, there are a lot of perverted freaks among the audience. A LOT. And they all enjoyed the sight of an anorexic, beat up (the bruises showed extra well on my pale skin) young man (some called me a boy) dancing for them. And they'd made offers with BIG money.

Kakuzu didn't exactly give me a chance to choose, so now I'm a prostitute. In addition to a stripper and a general screw-up. Ain't life wonderful? I've been 'delivered' to the customers' places wearing female clothes (including cheerleaders' outfit and school uniform), lace, FUCKING BUNNY EARS, lingerie, ANIMAL CLOTHES and a lot more I'd rather not talk about. It's insane!

Even though customers aren't allowed to 'rape' me, sometimes they want me to ACT as though I'm being raped. Also, I had no idea so many people liked BDSM.

I'm glad for a few things though… firstly, it pays even more than stripping (yay!) and secondly, I'm not a female and not gonna get pregnant. One has to learn to see the bright side of things, right? Well, my life atm is as bright as an overcooked egg, but I have to live it, since it's the only one I have. Right?

I often feel like I'm all alone in this world. And then I facepalm myself, because I realize that it's the truth. Still I can't help but wonder whether there's something good on its way and I just have to be patient enough. Like after a dark and cold night, there's always a sun that rises and lights up the place.

I know what you're thinking. Did I hit my head somewhere? Because I don't sound like me at all. But I think it's because of  _him_. And no, I'm not talking about Itachi. I know I had a crush on him, but it would never work out. Not with me being a whore and all. He'd never understand and would never want me. After all, why would he even care to understand if I haven't talked to him once?

But there's this other guy. A customer. I was surprised when for once, I wasn't asked to wear some weird costume. The order was 'to dress up like I normally dress when I go outside'. Skinny jeans, random t-shirt _,_ hoodie and a black-eyeliner it was! I made a mental note to thank the customer for it later.

I took a taxi. He lived in a private house. Two-storey, lofty and elegant. Even though it was dark outside, the moonlight shined in from the French windows, making the atmosphere kind of… magical and amazing, y'know?

And for once I met a customer who was  _nice,_ in the most literal sense of the word. When I was dropped off there and knocked on the door, the first thing I remember after he'd opened the door was his bright smile. He looked young – a nice change from 30-40-year-olds – and  _handsome._ He had red hair and brown eyes (I love brown eyes) and was dressed casually, but definitely in high-quality clothes.

One question instantly popped into my mind then – why would someone like  _him_ order a whore? He could get all the girls he wanted! Or all the boys, if he preferred males! Why pay for it?

He invited me in and I can't tell you how surprised I was when he led me to the kitchen-living room, not up the stairs to the bedroom! The customers usually want to get straight to it, since the longer I am there, the more they have to pay.

He sat me down on the couch, moved to the refrigerator and asked whether I wanted anything – tea, coffee, food? I declined (politely). He smirked and said that I didn't look like I didn't want anything. He said I looked so skinny that he suspected I was anorexic.

Now, if we go with the whole you-better-not-judge-me thing again, I'll admit he  _really_ pissed me off there! I turned around, bringing my legs up onto the couch as well and glared at him and kinda shouted. I think. Was it that loud? It went something like this: "No shit I look unhealthily skinny, but I am NOT an anorexic! You think I'd do something like  _this_ to my own body by choice? I don't have money for more food! Why else would I fucking work as a whore?"

So it wasn't that polite. Fuck that.

The weird part was that he remained calm this whole time and didn't seem annoyed in the least by the fact that a complete stranger – and a whore at that – had just yelled at him in his own house. What he did was that he tilted his head to one side and asked: 'Why decline then?'

That made me shut up. I just stared at him for a minute or two, before crossing my arms and turning away again, saying I'd eat and drink anything as long as it didn't reduce my paycheck.

He gave me a big piece of cake (I LOVE CAKE!) and green tea – after having persuaded me into telling him what kind I preferred. He sat down as well and started a conversation.

(What. The. Fuck. At some point I got the feeling that he'd changed his mind and wasn't going to fuck me.)

He asked me about my life – what I did, where I lived (not the address, but the type of house), etc, about my family and so on.

I don't know why but I answered all his questions truthfully. To be honest, I started to like chatting with him. After gathering some courage, I asked the question that had been bothering me this whole time – why did he choose to pay for whores, if he could have anyone he wanted?

He looked a little surprised at my question. He answered that he didn't choose to pay for  _whores_ (questionmark? what was I then?) and that I was the first prostitute he'd ordered. He said he visited the club I worked at a few times a month and I'd caught his eye. That was it, he gave me no further explanations.

Once I'd finished eating, I thanked him (politely) for the food and offered that I could wash the dishes for him. He declined. I still took my plate and mug and his glass and headed for the sink, ignoring him when he said he was serious and that I shouldn't bother. Pfft. I didn't even do this for him. I did it for myself so I'd feel like I'd repaid him for treating me so nicely.

I'd just dried off his glass when he sneaked up on me and hugged me from behind. I almost dropped his glass and let out a scream. Damn. He really scared me! I felt his lips press against my neck and ear and he whispered my name before telling me that his name was Sasori.

One name never to be forgotten, mark that!

I shivered (why did his hands feel so good around me?) and asked why I needed to know that. (He was the first one to introduce himself.) He said that he wanted to hear me scream it out loud later. Guess he hadn't changed his mind after all.

It was a long foreplay, but I enjoyed every second of it. He  _carried_ me to his bedroom (weird fetish?). It was dark there, except for the moonlight. I thought it was perfect. His kisses and bites covered every single inch of my neck, shoulders and chest. When our lips locked, it truly felt like heaven! There were no vibrators, no cockrings or handcuffs. It actually felt like making  _love._

When we kissed, we constantly changed positions. Me on top, him on top, and then me again. When I rode him, he told me I was the most beautiful thing in the world. I guess it was only pleasure speaking, but at that moment, it only made everything so  _perfect._

We went on for many rounds and I remember wishing I'd never have to do it with anyone else, only him. I loved the way he looked down at me briefly with lust in his eyes before crashing our lips together again, the way he pumped my shaft and felt inside of me. His lips, his eyes, his tongue, his arms, his face,  _HIM._

When we finall _y_  finished, the bed was a  _slight_ mess – cum everywhere! He said he'd pay me double if I stayed till morning. I didn't even need him to add the money to want to stay there! I agreed, but said that I had to be in uni at 11 o'clock. He said he could drop me off.

He changed the sheets. I helped as much as I could, but mostly he just wanted me to sit there and watch. When he was done, he found a pair of boxers and a loose t-shirt for me. He slept naked above waist. I swear he was doing it to tease me!

That could be marked as the best night of my life. Sleeping in his arms is probably the closest I will ever get to heaven. I don't mind. To top it off, there was s _ilence!_ No ear-shattering music, no drunk people yelling.

But the truth is everything good has to end sometime – that's exactly how much life sucks. I hadn't had proper sleep for ages, so it's logical I slept LONG. I was woken up at 10.38. He brought coffee to bed for me! How could anyone act so caring towards a random, expensive whore?

He told me to take my time and that I could use his shower if I wanted and that it was only a 10-minute drive to the uni, so I had plenty of time. And indeed, I did make it on time. It's a little ironic how the saddest moment – when I had to leave his car – followed the most perfect night of my life. I  _wanted_ to kiss him goodbye – God knew that wasn't the only thing I wanted to do, but let's leave it at that – but I was too big of a coward for that. After all, it was only  _I_ who felt that way. I was just a stripper to him.

At uni, when I opened my bag, I found the cash – double price – and a chocolate bar waiting for me with a small note that read ' _I hope this helps you gain weight. Even the most beautiful angel looks better healthy. – Love, Sasori'._ I stapled that note to this page.

And suddenly I felt like crying right there in the uni, in front of all the other students. Maybe even in front of the bastards who'd filmed me, if they happened to pass by. Suddenly I wished I hadn't met Sasori and that he would've been just another perverted and a little lonely 40-year-old. Then I wouldn't have so many regrets. Then I wouldn't long for something I could never have. Then I wouldn't have a reason to live. I wouldn't feel like I was leaving something behind if I tried to leave.

Ever since I've bought that same chocolate bar every day. A little obsessive, I know. I never claimed to have a sane mind.

Now that my bastard neighbors have started the party again and made it impossible for me to sleep, I'm going to finish my assignment for the uni. We had to paint a portrait. Yes, it's a total coincidence that the person I painted has red hair and muddy brown eyes.

Bye now,

Deidara

P.s. Song of the day – Was it a dream? (by 30 Seconds To Mars)

 


	11. Eleventh Entry

_November 8th, Monday, about 2 PM_

Dear diary,

I am now totally and officially fucked. And this time it isn't like 'oh I'm crying and feel like shit, but life goes on'. I am homeless, Tsunade disowned me and I'm expelled from the university. The reason – that fucking video.

It's no surprise it was uploaded on the Internet and shared on twitter and facebook and where else. But then one of the professors saw it and informed the headmaster about it. I was in class at that time when the headmaster and a few others dashed in, showed me some official-looking papers and, without giving me a chance to read them, threw me out. I demanded for an explanation while they escorted me out. I mean, it wasn't  _me_ who uploaded the damn video (I was the  _victim_ , for fuck's sake!) and it was none of their business what I did in my free time. They said that they had also been informed about my stripper and prostitute career. I felt like someone had punched me in the face, stomach and below the belt.

If I were to see those bastards ever again, I SWEAR I would fucking stab them and burn them and kill them as painfully and slowly as possible. I don't care about going to jail – I WOULD HAVE KILLED MYSELF BEFORE THE POLICE WOULD ARRIVE.

Of course, Tsunade was informed and she… didn't yell at me over the phone. I was stunned, but thinking back now, I wish she had. I can quote the exact words she said, they've been burnt into my memory, might as well get them down on a paper: 'Deidara, I heard about what happened. There is nothing left for me to say. From this moment on, we are no longer relatives. We are strangers. Good bye.'

Technically, I still have a job, but what's the point? (Btw, I'm writing this on a bench in a park off the campus) I have  _nothing_ to live for, what the hell would I do with money? Live and wait for Sasori – who's already forgotten about me, no doubt – to come to the club and ask how I was doing and after hearing about my tragic life would invite me to live with him? Yeah. I haven't believed in fairy tales for a long time now.

This is a goodbye, diary. I will carry you with me until the end, but that's not far away anymore. I hope one day someone will find you and read you and cry their eyes out at my sad story and look back at their own life and finally admit that their life is a heaven compared to what mine was like. If I can change at least one person's life like that, maybe I've done some good and will be accepted to heaven. Despite all the shows at club Venus. Despite prostitution. Never mind, I don't think I stand a chance.

Anywho, as I said, this is a goodbye and the last entry. Have a good life, diary. I thank you for listening to all the bullshit I wrote. I thank you for never putting me down. I thank you for listening. You were the only one ever who did it, and that's why I thank you.

Good bye,

Deidara

P.s. Where did Jesus go? (by The Pretty Reckless)

 


	12. Twelfth Entry

_November 10th, Wednesday, dawn? (I don't have a phone or a watch)_

Dear diary,

I guess I lied. I was still too big of a coward to do anything and so I wandered around town on Monday (after I'd written the entry). It wasn't my intention, but somehow I ended up in front of Sasori's house. Honestly, I have no idea how I got there, but I recognized the place immediately once I saw it. So I figured if I'd die soon anyway, why not give everything a chance, no matter how unlikely it is for anything good to come of them? Consequences don't matter anyway if you're dead.

So I sat down in front of the locked gate. I noticed that his car wasn't there, so I hoped he'd be back soon and hadn't gone on a holiday for a longer period of time. My stomach was growling, and the anxiety/anticipation was KILLING me. You might've noticed when I scribbled on a few pages in you and ate a page or two.

Then I saw his car approach down the road and my heart raced as I waited for him to notice me. He did and stopped the car in front of the gates and got out. He looked genuinely stunned and asked me what I was doing there. I gave him the short version – people found out about my job, so now I'm expelled and homeless and disowned by my only relative. I didn't mention the small detail that I was on my way to find a good place for a suicide.

I don't know whether it was how pitiful I looked or he was getting cold standing outside as well, but he opened the gate and gave me his house key and told me to wait inside while he parked the car. I did as I was told and took a seat on the familiar spot on his couch. He followed me soon after and just like the last time, he asked whether I wanted anything to eat or drink. I didn't bother with the stubbornness this time, though, and said that I'd eat anything he gave me.

He tossed me an apple and told me to chew on that until he was done cooking. When I said I didn't want to be a burden and that he shouldn't cook for me, he said he would've started cooking anyway, only now he knew he had to make more. I monitored him silently, before getting up and offering my help. It felt wrong for me to just sit there and watch. I don't know why. It just did. I made me feel lazy.

His hand halted and he gave me a sideways glance, considering it. He then told me to wash my hands and that I could continue mincing the carrots while he washed the potatoes. I felt happy to be helpful. Even though we didn't talk while cooking (minus the times he gave me orders), it was really nice. The atmosphere was just so… so…  _pleasant_  is the word I'm looking for, I guess.

It was when the soup was done and we started to eat that the conversation began. Guess I'd been foolish for thinking he'd let me into his house without any explanations. I didn't want to tell him so much – made me feel even more pathetic for feeling so pathetic – and I even considered just leaving to avoid the endless questions, but in the end I ended up confessing literally  _everything:_

How I'd started in my new apartment and in the uni, the endless parties and my first fight in this town (the one with Hidan), how I was fired from my first job, how I didn't have any money after Tsunade stopped sending me extra cash, how Kakuzu found me, the dancing lessons, blindfold, dancing, tips, prostitution, the gang of bastards, the bet, the video, expelling, Tsunade's exact words, thoughts of suicide, wandering around town feeling cold and finally ending up on his doorstep. I even shared various pieces of my past because they were needed for him to get the situation.

When I finished, my mouth had gone dry and I'd all but forgotten about my soup.

Sasori is a really good listener, I'll give him that. He doesn't interrupt, his face doesn't show any of the feelings that might dismay you, he's just… a perfect listener, y'know?

There was silence after I finished and as I got back to my soup, I wondered whether he was going to say anything at all. But then he gazed at me for a minute or two and said "You're not a coward for not killing yourself. However, you would be if you did kill yourself. Only cowards run away."

It was then that I felt overly embarrassed and  _angry_ and wished I hadn't told him anything. But I couldn't stop myself from snapping at him. "What's the point in me living if I have nothing to live for? I got kicked out of the place that would've granted me my dream job, I don't have any family or friends, I don't have a lover and the one I have feelings for probably doesn't give a fuck about me (I said it in such a rush that I didn't have time to feel embarrassed over my words). What else do humans live for? I don't want children."

And just like the last time, Sasori remained calm. "I see you're not sure about the one you have these  _feelings_ for?" was what he said. Why did he have to pick that line and make me blush like a tomato? "Why not clear things up with them before making any rash decisions?"

I so wanted to scream at him back then. BECAUSE IT'S YOU, YOU MOTHERFUCKING SEXY PIECE OF SEX. Haha, I'm actually giggling now at the memory.

I stayed quiet for some time, then murmured something about taking his advice. It sounded like a lie, though. I just felt so… worthless compared to him. He was like a God hidden in human skin, while I was… well, me. An anorexic-looking, beat up screw-up.

I don't know what the hell was going through his mind then, but he said "I'll trade shelter for sex."

Could he have been any blunter? I felt like crying then (am I emotionally unstable?) because I realized that was all I meant to him – a good fuck. Regardless, it never crossed my mind to say no. I'd take that status over meaning nothing any day.

I washed the dishes even though he told me not to. He said that he had some work to do on his laptop, but I could help myself to anything I found in the house. He sat down on the couch with his laptop on his lap and so did I, turning on the TV. I asked him beforehand whether TV would bother/distract him and he said no.

It felt good sitting close to him. He's just the kind of person, I don't know how to explain it. My only wish that moment was that I could be closer.

There was some cliché romantic comedy movie on and I decided to watch it. At first I thought it sucked, but eventually it got so sweet that I actually felt sad when the boy found out that the girl had cheated on him. WHAT A SLUT. I was totally lost in the movie.

It was Sasori's chuckling that brought me out of it. I glanced at him and saw that he was observing me, his laptop resting on his thighs. Btw, some important stuff to write down – he was wearing jeans and a loose red T-shirt.

I asked him what was so funny. He replied that I looked cute when I was all tense like that and lost in the movie. It was then that I realized I had grabbed a pillow and hugged it to my chest while watching. Guess I did look pretty caught up. And that realization was the reason the blush was delayed by a minute or so. He'd called me cute. Blush button on.

I gave a small pout and turned away, but didn't say anything. I watched the movie till the end and felt so envious of the girl who got the cute guy. I wished I were as pretty as that girl so a cute guy like that would be attracted to me as well. Guess un-realistic romance movies like that aren't good for me.

After that an action movie (with tons of way too fake-looking special effects) came on. I wasn't interested in the least, so I flipped through the channels until I found some high school romance movie. I hadn't seen the beginning, so it didn't seem as good as the previous one and I fell asleep at some point.

I was exhausted. Mostly from all the stress and sleepless nights during the last two months. I vaguely sensed someone putting a blanket over me and grabbed it, burying my nose into it. It felt good. I also remembered that I didn't have a tooth brush and that I needed to buy one, but was way too sleepy to do anything about it back then.

When I woke up, it took me a moment to remember where I was and why I was there. I realized Sasori had let me sleep on the couch without waking me up for the… uhh… payment. I found him sitting behind the kitchen table, working on his laptop, drinking coffee. I said good morning in an overly hoarse voice. I tried to cough.

He said good morning as well and asked whether I'd slept well. It felt so strange having a person ask those kinds of things from you. No one had ever asked; not even Tsunade. I said 'I slept well' (which was true) and thanked him for putting the blanket over me. He offered me some coffee and I sat down behind the table with him.

I asked what his schedule was for the day, because I had realized one thing – I had nothing to do all day. I didn't have a day job, I didn't go to the university anymore. Visiting a shop to buy a tooth brush was the only thing on my to-do list. He said that he'd have to leave soon and wouldn't be back before 6.

That was when I started inquiring.

What do you doooo for living?

Owner of a company.

Whaaaat company?

The Allstate Company

Are you a striiiict boss? (Don't ask me why, but the thought of Sasori as a boss was a real turn-on)

He chuckled and I got the feeling that he'd managed to see the dirty side of my question. Pervert.

'You can always visit me and find out.'

I wasn't sure whether he was teasing or serious, so I asked him. He nodded, eyes on the laptop screen. I asked when and where.

He said around 1 o'clock, because that's when he usually got some lunch, and that he'd write down the address for me, if I was interested. I agreed. Then there was silence, the only sound being him writing on the keyboard. I drank my coffee quietly, observing him.

Soon he got up and started to get ready. He asked about my plans for the day and whether he could drop me off somewhere (why did he have to be so… nice?). I said I had some shopping to do (I actually had money now. woohoo!) and that I was supposed to go to Venus at 8. This surprised him.

'You'll continue working there?'

'It's the only job I have at the moment. The money I have won't last forever and the fact that I'm staying here doesn't mean that I could live on your money. I'll quit when I find a better job.'

He looked like he'd just swallowed something sore. He didn't seem to like the idea, but didn't comment further on that topic. I didn't quite get what bothered him, but decided to let it go. He tossed me a pair of spare keys and left.

I washed both his and my own mug and then took a shower. Changed clothes. Left the house and locked the door. I walked to the closest mall and bought a tooth brush (I'd left my old one at my old apartment), a cheap-ass mobile and a SIM-card, favorite cereal, stuff needed for pasta Bolognese (I was planning on cooking in the evening before Sasori got back), favorite shampoo and conditioner (didn't want to waste Sasori's). I couldn't remember the last time I'd bought so much or actually had enough money to buy so much.

I went back to the house and dropped the things off there and then, since I had nothing better to do, just wandered around the town. Read newspapers for job advertisements, visited bookstores and music-stores, did some calculations on how long it would take until I had enough money to buy myself a new laptop. I even visited some clothes' shops since they had some things on sale and bought a new pair of skinny jeans.

At 12:30 I started walking to the address Sasori had given me. I found out that it was a REALLY tall building and inside it was all official-looking. I felt out of place in my casual clothes, since all the men and women were dressed formally. I think many stared at me, but I tried to ignore them.

I walked over to one of the women sitting behind the counter and said that I was there to see Sasori. She gave me a look of disbelief and I realized that people were used to hearing last names there. I also realized that I had no idea what Sasori's last name was.

So I amended myself (not that successfully, but still): "I'm here to see your boss. Could you tell him I'm here or tell me where his office is?" It may have come across as impolite and rude, but I really didn't care that much. I'd slept with her boss, that bitch better bow to me!

The bitch said she'd call right away. I watched her pick up the phone and blush – which made me SO mad I wanted to strangle her right then. (Ok, I'm emotionally unstable. I finally admit it.) She dared to BLUSH! When she'd hung up she told me that Mr. Akasuna had wanted me to come to his office. She gave me the directions. (I was supposed to take the elevator to the last floor and then walk straight till I hit a big double-glass door.)

I thanked her. Not sincerely, but at least I  _tried_ to be polite.

My entrance to Sasori's office was a little… vain. "Alright  _Mister_ Akasuna _,_ just how many of your employees have you slept with?"

Glad he was alone in his office or things would've gotten awkward. (Small remark – he was dressed in dark dress pants and a white button-up shirt. A dark jacket was draped over the back of his chair.)

He raised his gaze and eyebrows and asked what on Earth I was going on about. I said that the bitches on the first floor looked slutty and blushed at his voice. He said that so did I. And I blushed.

ARGH.

But then I said that this didn't help his case, because I, in fact,  _had_  slept with him. (HAHA! TALK OUT OF THAT ONE!) I'd taken a seat across the desk from him. He said that I was free to think whatever I wanted, but that he had never slept with any of his employees, because he didn't believe a complicated relationship like that would do the company any good.

I stayed silent for some time. He said that he'd be finished soon and we could go out to eat then. I nodded, saying that I didn't mind waiting. I stood up and looked around in his office, touching things I probably shouldn't have. He didn't say anything about it, though.

When we left, I was surprised that we didn't go the same way I had come. What's more – he steered me with his hand that was  _on my hip._ And from time to time I  _swear_ it slithered down to my ass. I swear to God!

I gave him a sharp look. Just because I work as a whore, doesn't mean I'm like that in my personal life as well. I am  _not_ cheap. He gave an oblivious look in return when he noticed I was glaring. What a perfect cover-up mask! Had I not felt it, I would've never been able to guess by looking at his face.

The workers we passed by gave me strange looks but all bowed their heads when seeing Sasori. I could see that, indeed, he was a well-respected superior.

It was only once we were outside and I was sure that no one would be eavesdropping that I finally snapped at him: "Do you  _mind?"_ I batted his hand away.

He gave me a bewildered look.

I rolled my eyes. "Stop groping my ass! Just because I work as a whore (passers-by gave me strange looks. Fuck them, I was angry), doesn't mean I have no standards! And our agreement doesn't cover any-"

He cut me off. "My hand was merely around your waist, but-"

" _It was on my ass_ ," I growled.

"-BUT," he continued, holding up a finger, "if you wish, I won't do that."

I sulked. That's not what I'd meant. I loved being held by him – a part of me wished he'd never let go -, but I didn't want him to regard me as his personal prostitute. Which I technically was. But manipulating with me like that in public kinda made me feel… worthless, y'know? It made me feel like a piece of clothing or a car that he'd want to show off with in public and show that he could control it any way he wanted (ok, a car suits this context better).

He obviously didn't catch on to my thoughts. So he wasn't a mind-reader. I was glad. He made a gesture for us to continue walking, stressing the distance between his hands and my body. I frowned but started walking.

He asked me whether I had any preferences and when I'd given him a negative answer (I'd never had enough money to afford the luxury of eating out in this town), he said he hoped I didn't mind him picking the place then. Well, no  _duh._

The café looked elegant and I made a mental note to keep in mind the prizes and my budget. Fortunately, I found out that the prizes were nowhere near the extreme. Yay, I didn't have to feel embarrassed about being a poorfag!

Sasori picked a table by the window. We talked a little while eating, but I'm not going to write down the entire conversation. Only a part of it.

"What's in that bag?" he asked, pointing towards my plastic bag.

"I bought a new pair of jeans. Extra skinny." I winked.

"Do I have to pay for you to demonstrate them later, or is that something I'll get for free?"

I looked away and muttered almost inaudibly: "You'll see them anyway." Not sure if he heard it.

"You look adorable when you blush," Sasori said.

I looked at him skeptically. "What're you trying to achieve?" I'm not used to compliments and if someone compliments me, I instantly assume they have some hidden implications.

He made an innocent face. "Nothing. I just thought you were obviously still angry with me and maybe you'd warm up a little. Besides, you blush so often that-"

"I do _not_ blush often." It's not my intention to use every chance I get to argue with him, but it just… happens.

He chuckled. "I beg to differ."

"When was the last time you saw me blush?"

"About fifteen minutes ago when I escorted you out of the building."

"You were  _groping_ my  _ass_!You'd blush as well!"

"I was not-"

"You  _were,_ you  _perv-"_

He cut me off with a finger on my lips. I tensed up immediately and it's  _possible_ that I blushed then.

"Why are you so tense whenever I touch you? And why do you feel embarrassed? See, you're blushing again." I tried to calm my racing heart. He was (is) such a player and again I didn't understand why he even bothered with me. Slowly, he traced his finger along my lips. "Is it because of the flashbacks, or is it something else?" It's both, I know. "Or is it both?"

"Please don't touch me in public. We're not a couple and people are watching." It was true – people were watching. Guess Sasori had some kind of reputation at this place.

"So? Let them." He completely ignored the first half of my sentence.

I wish I hadn't been so tense back then. I wish I'd enjoyed it. But I'd been so embarrassed I couldn't even talk properly.

He leaned slowly closer, his hand moved to the back of my head and pushed me closer, his lips finding mine. It was a short peck, but I swear it nearly gave me a heart attack.

"I adore the blush, but try to relax, Deidara."

… yeah. That's exactly what happened.

After this lunch I walked Sasori back to his office (I didn't go inside the building, though) and then I just wandered around town with nothing to do. I ended up in some bookstore and read "Still Missing". Great book, by the way.

At some point I went back 'home'. I made pasta Bolognese. I knew the receipt by heart. I finished around 6 and that's when Sasori arrived. He commented on the great smell coming from the kitchen and said it was wonderful.

At dinner table he asked when I'd be back from  _work._ Again I got the feeling he held a grudge against my workplace. I said around eleven. I only had one show.

"When will it start?"

"Around nine forty. Why?"

He ignored my question. "Why do you have to be there so early then?"

"Kakuzu always wants me there early. Most of the time I wait, though."

I went to club Venus on foot. Nothing out of ordinary happened there. Still blindfolded. When I started to leave, though, and exited the 'staff only' area, I found Sasori waiting for me. I found out the reason he'd asked me when I'd be on. He'd come to watch. Like he wouldn't have a private show at home anyway.

I was happy to have him there, though. Being alone outside during night isn't exactly my most favorite thing to do. I was surprised to find out he hadn't taken his car. "I like late walks." Oh wow. At least I felt safe walking outside with him by my side. I thanked him for escorting me. He shrugged and nodded.

We got home around 11:30.

The rest of the night was fun. We almost completely demolished his bedroom. He ripped off my clothes, I ripped off his. With my legs around his waist we bounced from one wall to another, bringing down everything in our way. The vase on his nightstand fell down and shattered. I hoped he wasn't going to blame me for it.

My hands were wrapped firmly around him, one hand around the neck, the other messing with his hair. I couldn't get enough of his lips on mine, of our tongues lapping and mingling as though we were trying to eat each other alive, and of his hands on my naked body, groping every inch as though he were addicted and I was his drug.

This reminds me of the movie "Friends with benefits". I've never seen it, but all the conversations I used to overhear at the uni were enough to keep me up to date with everything new.

When we finally settled down on the bed, both of our necks were covered with bitemarks and I laughed at the thought of him trying to hide them when going to office the next day. Among other positions, I remember clearly when he was pressed against the wall and I was on his lap. He was deep in me and I halted for a moment, savoring the moment. I pressed my forehead against his and looked him in the eye. He was sweating and his face was tinted slightly red. I swear I've never seen anything more beautiful. It was that moment that I wish to never forget.

I kissed him softly on his lips and he kissed me back, turning it into another hungry fight for dominance.

At the moment I'm lying next to him on his bed, naked above waist. Sleeping in his arms is one of the most wonderful things I've ever experienced. I can't believe I took the time to write all this. I woke up inhumanly early with him still asleep and started writing. It must've been hours ago.

I think he's starting to wake up. I can feel him shifting. His hand's running up my bare back and his lips're on my back~~

I gtg.

Ttyl,

Deidara

P.S. Song – I'm your favourite drug (by Porcelain & The Tramps)

 


	13. Thirteenth Entry

_November 14th, Sunday, 6.54 AM_

Dear diary,

I am in a bar right now. Slightly drunk – I'm aware of it. I got into a fight with Sasori, so I ended up coming here and spending my night here. I should probably start from the beginning…

Yesterday after working all morning on his laptop, Sasori declared at around 2 PM that he had no more work that day and asked me whether I wanted to do anything. I had been reading 'Evermore' by Alyson Noel, a book I'd borrowed from a library, on the couch next to him and looked up. He had just closed the laptop and was stretching his back. Then he looked at me, as if he expected me to immediately have an answer ready.

I shrugged absent-mindedly, eyes wandering back to the book, and said that my stomach had been growling for the past one and a half hour. He laughed light-heartedly (such a wonderful sound) and told me to get my ass up and find a jacket, because it was chilly outside.

I did so, and soon we were walking down the cold and already dim streets of this damn city, side by side. He had a brown jacket on and a scarf draped around his neck, hands tucked in pockets. I had my hands in pockets, too, and was secretly wishing I'd get to be closer to him (eye-roll. What else is new?) and feel his warm breath on my skin. Needless to say those were merely my fantasies and to make up for the missing warmth from his breath, I hid my nose in my scarf.

He led us to another restaurant that he claimed to be his 'cold-season favorite'. It was nice and warm inside, most of the place in the colors of brown and beige. The waitress was a young pleasant woman that had the kind of peaceful atmosphere surrounding her that makes you think if she were to rule the world, there would be no war and everything would be decorated with flowers.

I ordered pasta, willing to gain some weight after months of starvation. I didn't want to admit that I mostly wanted to look better for Sasori. Am I an idiot? WHY am I such an idiot – wanting to be healthy just for the sake of someone else? I think my mother – whoever she might've been – was careless enough to drop me as an infant. Twice. Plus one more time.

Everything went well until we had to pay. Sasori insisted that he'd pay for my food as well, while I heatedly argued back, saying that I didn't need him babying me so much. There was a small argument, until he let something slip: (quote) "I don't understand what the problem is, since you're living at my expense anyway."

OK, so it sort-of had been the truth for the last 6 days or so, but put like that and the way he  _said_ it made me feel like a nuisance he was forced to take care of. For fuck's sake, I didn't FORCE myself upon HIM in any fucking WAY. So I came to him to talk, but HE was the one who suggested I'd stay with him, NOT ME. And I had been paying for the food we cooked just as much as he had during my stay. And I was paying him back for staying under his shelter. Not with money, but still.

So as you may guess, that got me worked up. I practically yelled at him and all people in ten-foot radius looked at us for at least a minute, all dumb-founded. I said something like: "If that's what you regard me as – a parasite who's intruded your beloved home – then I don't see any reasons for me to stay. Why did you invite me in anyway? Just to have a human  _pet_ to brag about? Well FUCK YOU, I'm not gonna play that part! I'm not a robot or a dog who'll obey your every command! If you want someone like that, hire a maid! Because I AM NOT YOUR  _FUCKING_  MAID!"

I don't know whether I was crying by then or not, but it was then that I noticed that the waitress was standing beside our table, still waiting for us to pay. Drowning the urge to slap Sasori right there, I quickly dug out my wallet before he got the chance to say anything, and threw some money at the waitress, muttering at her to keep the change. I was convinced there was enough money to cover both of our bills.

Then I got up and ripped my jacket off the back of my chair, almost knocking the chair over, and ran out of the building, putting the jacket on, on the way. Tears were flowing down my face, the cold wind nearly turning my moist face into ice, as I made up my mind on avoiding Sasori from now on. I would find somewhere else to stay until Monday when he was at work. Then I'd come to take my stuff.

I wasn't going to commit a suicide, no. I didn't want to be a coward. I'd work in Venus until I had enough money for a plane ticket and for an apartment, then I'd be off. It shouldn't take that long, if I asked Kakuzu specifically for more prostitution work…

So I ran. And ran. Until I was out of breath and came to a stop in front of a bar. It was the only bar I knew in this city that wasn't on the campus, because Sasori had taken me there the other day. I stepped in and ordered a drink after a drink (because I'm rich like that).

Now this is where I am at the moment. My handwriting looks hardly legible. And I'm crying again.

Why? I can't help but ask WHY? Why am I the only one who cares? Why am I the only one who hoped it would turn into something more? Why only me? Why do I have to care?

It's always like that. The same thing that happened with Tsunade, happened with Sasori as well. I guess I'm just cursed like that. Or maybe there is something wrong with me, something that pushes the people I like and care about away. I guess I deserve to be alone.

Whatever. Fuck you life, I'll survive on my own. I don't NEED Sasori, just like I didn't NEED Tsunade. I can be a lonely wolf. I'm okay with that.

I'm gonna go to Venus later and ask Kakuzu whether he knows a place I could stay at. And then I'll ask Kisame, because Kakuzu hardly cares.

I'll write later. I'm gonna order a breakfast or something. And then find a place where I could sleep. A bus will do.

Bye,

Deidara

P.S. Attention (by Tokio Hotel)

 


	14. Dear Deidara

Dear Deidara,

You're sleeping in the bedroom at the moment. I'm convinced that the next entry will be about how you got there.

I know I am taking a liberty by going through your bag and reading your diary. I am sorry for that. I merely wanted to find out whether you had a mobile to get the number, since I'm leaving soon. I couldn't help flipping through what seemed to be a notebook and then finding out that it was a diary. And once I was that far already, I guess it's needless to add that I was completely powerless against the part of me that wanted to know what you'd written (what a perfect excuse). And to see whether you'd written about me also. Especially that last part.

I hope you'll forgive me some day, as well as for the other things I found out you were mad about. I swear, if anything, reading this helped me understand you better and I don't regret it. And the reason for me writing this is that I wanted you to know:

Deidara, never have I thought of you as a  _pet,_ maid or 'personal stripper' as you'd put it. I don't mind having you here and wouldn't mind paying for you, which is the reason I said what I said. Sorry for having you interpret it like that.

I rarely do things against my will. When I made the offer for you to stay here, I did it, indeed, of my own accord and because I like having you around. More than I probably should.

Deidara, despite the impression I've left, could you still believe that I just a few days ago admitted to myself that I love you? And that I love you not only because how great you are in bed (I bet you're blushing), but because of you being  _you?_ Because of you being Deidara?  _My_ Deidara, if I may be so bold.

Knowing you, you'll probably think I'm lying, but I'm still working on finding a way you'd believe me. I'll write it once more, just so you'd remember how it looks like written down on a paper: Deidara, I truly love you and I do care. You're not the only one, never have been.

But I don't want to force this on you in any way. I'll have to leave for a few days on a business trip. I'll be back on Wednesday. Of course, you're free to do whatever you want. You can stay here (you've still got the key, right?), or if you choose to, go away.

I can't promise to not bother you again, though. Not making any threats, I just know my limits pretty well and want to be honest. But I promise I'll do my best to stay away, if you meet me in person and say 'I don't want to see you again' to my face. That is an oath.

Take your time to think about it.

Love,

(Your) Sasori

P.S. If I could have you listen to one song, it'd be 'Broken' by Seether.

 


	15. Fifteenth Entry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of random, yet relevant, information BD : Results of the University of Leeds study indicate that the average take-home pay for a stripper is around $400 per night. A stripper can make as much as $75,000 annually, as much as the average computer programmer or university professor. Strippers also spend far fewer hours on the job than many people with mainstream careers. (A Mello cosplayer posted it on fb yesterday)

_December 3rd, Friday, 9 AM_ (Almost three weeks have passed since my last entry…)

Dear Diary,

Reading that letter and realizing that Sasori had read every entry I'd written in this diary, INCLUDING all the moronic, love-obsessed and depressed BABBLING, could've as well been the most awkward moment of my life. I feel like digging a hole in the ground and hiding there, except that Sasori's gone and I'm alone anyway. It's… EMBARRASSING. DAMN SASORI. NOT MY FAULT I DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY A DIARY WITH A LOCK.

Arrghhhhhhghh

DON'T WRITE SUCH EMBARRASSING THINGS IN MY FRIGGING DIARY! IT'S NOT YOURS, IT'S MINE! GET YOUR OWN! Why am I writing sentences addressed at him?

OK, before I get back to that letter, let me fill you in on what's happened during the last almost three weeks. I was at the bar and fell asleep there. The barman woke me up at 12 AM or so and told me to get out, if I wasn't buying anything. Just to annoy him, I ordered food for breakfast.

After that I took a bus and soon fell asleep there. I woke up at around 4 PM and had to wait a little more until the bus stopped at a place I was familiar with. I then went to a store and bought a slice of pizza, before walking to Venus. Kakuzu wasn't there, but Kisame was. I explained the situation to him. Only the short version, though – 'I have nowhere to stay. Can you get me a place?'

He said that he could rent out one of the rooms in the back that are meant for 'private services'. I grimaced at the idea of having to sleep on the same bed so many strangers have fucked, but agreed nevertheless. At least they changed the sheets quite often. According to Kisame at least.

Kakuzu arrived around 7 and Kisame filled him in on what had happened. He also said that I'd wanted to talk to him. I had been sleeping, but Kakuzu slamming the door closed after entering my room woke me up for good. I told him that I wanted to earn more, so could he, please, organize it so that I had more shows and more 'private clients' as he called them. He said he'd see what he could do.

He definitely did do something, because already that night I had four shows! And orders from private clients started flowing in the next day. At this rate, I thought, I'd be out of there in no time!

It was on Thursday that one of the annoying-kind orders came in - I had to be transported to the client blindfolded. I couldn't say I was surprised – people are just so creepy. I mean, seriously, why have sex like a normal homo sapiens, if you could tie your partner up instead? Or blindfold him? The moment I got the news I made up my mind to knee the damn sucker after he's paid. So what that I'm losing a client – at least I'm losing a client with freakish fetishes. And then I'd be all like 'TAKE THAT MOTHAFUCKA' in my head. Mmm… nice.

I've tried reasoning my hate for this kind of thing in my head. But all I can think is 'I already feel broken and vulnerable, I don't need those bastards with their whips putting even more stress on it!'. Uhh yeah… I know I sound so pathetic, but it's my diary and my right here. I think I'm gonna burn this when (if) my life stabilizes. An awkward reminder like this only makes me feel… awkward and like gagging at all my whining.

OK, so, on with the story. Kisame agreed to drive me there. As there had been no requests for my clothes, I wore the usual, only now there was also a black blindfold covering my eyes. I saw fucking NOTHING. Who said it's difficult for blind people to find a job? Go for a BDSM hooker. Big money, nice co-workers, free cake. … I am so going to hell for this. I probably deserve a life like this.

Kisame also ushered me to the door and gave me a pat on the shoulder, wishing me good luck. I rolled my eyes (HAHAHAHAHA) and said that I'd SEE him later (LOLOLOLOLOL). I'd become a comedian, if only their salary wasn't so miniature. Seriously, I'd wipe my ass with one of their paychecks. Cheaper than toilet paper.

Since I couldn't SEE (HAHAHAHAHA no) a doorbell, I simply banged on the door as loud as I could. I waited for like what? Five minutes? And a ray of hope had already risen that he'd forgotten all about ordering me and I could go. My hand was already wondering up to undo the blindfold when I heard the door click open. I swear I wanted to knee him right then. Why on Earth did it take him so long to answer? Was he an old man? Handicapped? Had he been in the bathroom? Oh Jesus, PLEASE tell me he'd washed his hands! (I remember feeling the horror so well…. -shiver-)

He muttered in a really deep and low voice for me to come inside. I did and dropped my bag beside the door. I have started to carry it with me, just in case I need to stay longer. Y'know, toothbrush, toothpaste, hairbrush, spare clothes,  _diary…_

I was a little lost after that, though. I mean, I was hell knows where and blind and I had no idea where that dude was. I didn't want to talk to him, but after five minutes of silence, I was a little curious (in a horrified way) of what the fuck he was doing in silence.

"Uhh… so you gonna do something? I'm not getting any younger here."

Silence.

I sat down on the floor. "Whatever. Your money."

I heard him sigh. It was a really, really heavy sigh. It got me confused. What the hell was he waiting for?

Then I heard footsteps approaching and he took my hand, pulling me up. I could feel him so close to me, his warm breath on my face, and that was when I realized I wasn't ain an old man's house. Because there's no mistaking that smell. Never.

Oh Sasori…

"I'm sorry. I couldn't help myself," he whispered and I understood that he'd faked a really deep bass voice before so I wouldn't recognize him. Oh Sasori, WHY?

The moment our lips crashed together, I could also feel tears in my eyes. Those few weeks we'd been apart had made the real feeling of being held by him fade from my memory. What had been left in my mind as a memory was nowhere NEAR the real feeling. Obviously my writing skills aren't good enough to capture it either.

A tear flowed down my cheek and I wrapped my arms around him as well, one hand around neck, the other in his hair.

A small part of me was angry with him for diverting me from my path of forgetting him and moving on and away from this damned town. But it was nowhere near as big as the part that was overwhelmed by his scent, his touch, his lips, his tongue, HIM and had long forgotten any thoughts that had been in my head an hour or even five minutes ago.

I felt like I was two different persons. One was proud and wanted to be independent, far away from someone who could make him feel so vulnerable and like a servant. The other one was holding a gun against the temple of the first one, after having taken a dump on his pride. The second one didn't care about dignity in the least, he only wished to be as close to Sasori as possible, no matter the price or consequences.

And even now I'm still not sure which one of them is the real me and which one is merely a reflection of my confused mind.

But the confusion I felt inside still didn't stop me from screaming out his name like a hundred fucking times that night. Am I really that hopeless? I want to stay away from someone, yet a blindfold is all it takes to drag me back into the bed?

When I look in the mirror, I have no idea what Sasori sees in me. Maybe what he sees is different from what I see, because what I see is just pathetic. A boy with girl's hair, a trail of purplish-red bitemarks running down his neck to his shoulder. There's nothing special, only signs that this boy got fucked recently.

I don't know what I should do, diary. I don't know whether I can trust Sasori, but does it really matter if I just let myself believe? I want to get away from this town. It reminds me of my studies in the Uni and of Tsunade, plus everything else bad. It's like a nightmare.

Gah. I JUST DON'T KNOW. One more month and a half and I'd be ready to hit the road. But can I leave without regretting it?

I need some time to think about it. Maybe it's a good thing Sasori's gone away for a few days. I really don't know.

I should get some breakfast, but I'm not hungry in the least. I think I'll just lie on this bed and listen to some music. Maybe read a little. It's funny how, despite being away for three weeks, I still treat this place like my own home, as though I own the place.

Also, I listened to 'Broken'. Didn't help any. Fuck. I need to get my shit together.

Anywhore,

Write later,

Deidara

P.S. Somewhere I belong (by Linkin Park)

 


	16. Sixteenth Entry

_December 15_ _th_ _, Wednesday, 12.22 PM_

Dear diary,

It's been a while. Yes. I have a lot to write, so I'd better start where I last left off. By the way, I'm doing fine at the moment and it's snowing outside.

When Sasori left for the business trip, I didn't stay for long in his house. It felt kind of empty without him... and I knew I needed some time to seriously think about my life. A place that smells of Sasori and brings back memories on every corner couldn't be the best place for it.

I stayed at Venus. Let's admit it, I didn't feel great at all and went even as far as to tell Kakuzu to cancel all my 'private services'. I just couldn't do it. I could dance with a blindfold and imagine that I was back in Sasori's bedroom, but not be fucked by a random stranger.

Kakuzu didn't take the news lightly, but I was saved from slaps by Kisame who reminded him of the importance of my looks. Kakuzu grunted and said that I could have a week at most.

I spent a lot of time outside, just walking around town, grabbing kebabs from kiosks for lunch. I always returned to Venus around 8, gave the shows and went to bed. Can't say I slept well those nights, but at least I didn't stay awake for all those hours.

When I woke up on Wednesday morning, it felt as if something heavy had fallen on my shoulders. I was really distressed. I knew it was because Sasori would be returning that day and I still hadn't made up my mind. I tried to convince myself that it wasn't the deadline.

I didn't go outside much that day. The club is mostly empty during the day and I just found myself a comfy room where I could sit down, listen to music and read. I only ate breakfast and nearly threw up. After that I didn't dare to touch food.

I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep that night at all so I basically stayed up the whole night, dancing on the stage. By 6 in the morning I was exhausted as hell and left to my room, falling asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. It was a dreamless sleep and I was glad for that. I couldn't imagine all the nightmares my dysfunctional brain could give me.

The next day I convinced myself to go outside. Spending time in the outdoors was sure to grant me better sleep. But my body was nowhere near de-stressed. I couldn't stop myself from thinking about Sasori and where he'd be. I guessed he was at work and the loss of energy that was used up for holding me back from going there nearly killed me.

When the clock struck one I couldn't stop myself from glancing around like a crazy paranoid person. The reason was Sasori of course. At that time he'd be leaving his office to go eat somewhere. I even went as far as to walk by his office and to the cafe we had eaten at before, but I didn't see him anywhere. Maybe he wanted to avoid places we'd been at together just as much as I wanted to avoid his house?

I knew I had to go on with my life. I had to DO something with it. Being expelled from a university couldn't be the end of it – I still had so many years to go. And the best way for it would've been to move to another city. Let's be honest – everything in this town had been misfortune for me, so why would I stay here?

That's what I kept telling myself until Tuesday evening. The week hadn't been easy. I'd lost weight again due to all the stress and got scolded for it by Kisame. Sitting in my room at twelve o'clock that night (after the shows) and plucking my hair out, I came to realize something.

Even though I knew that I should've gone on with my life, how could I do that, if all I kept thinking about was Sasori? Maybe the problem was this city and everything about it that kept reminding me of him – but what if it wasn't? What if I'd still only think about Sasori even when moving to another city? Was that the kind of life I wanted - full of forbidden desire and regrets? (Geez, that sounds so dramatic)

I kept reading Sasori's 'entry' over and over again and started to feel more and more disgusted with myself. Sasori had basically saved me from a suicide; he'd taken me in without any prejudice; he had apologized; he'd given me hope when I'd had nothing. And this was how I repaid him? By disappearing? If no was my answer, the least he deserved was me telling it to him in person.

So, throwing some stuff into my backpack and tucking a pocketknife I'd bought just in case into my pocket, I went out around 1 am. Thankfully I never got the excuse to use the knife on my way.

I was a little surprised to find light coming out of the first floor windows, meaning he was still awake. Suddenly I was afraid that he might've ordered another prostitute for that night and walking in on them was as appealing of a thought as eating the food I've thrown up would've been. I couldn't imagine Sasori ordering someone while I was still around, but could've he changed so drastically when thinking that I wouldn't come back anymore?

I shook my head. It would probably serve me right, but I needed to know. Besides, things might've been entirely different. He could've been up, working on his laptop. God knew he'd never been one to go to bed early.

I rung the doorbell many times and even knocked on the door, but didn't get an answer for a long time. I got a little scared of what might've been going on, so I let myself in. Nothing seemed to be out of place until I got to the living room. And that was one of the biggest shocks in my life.

I could hardly recognize the room – it was a mess! There were empty bottles lying around everywhere, dirty dishes piled up in the sink and on the table, everything looked so dirty. But the biggest shock was yet to come – it was when I saw Sasori. He was sitting on the sofa, legs drawn up to his chest and face hidden in his knees (he hadn't raised his head even when I entered the room) and an almost empty bottle in his hand. I couldn't believe my eyes. I'd lost my voice.

Truth be told, he came across as a homeless drunkard at that time. He was the exact opposite of the Sasori I knew. I'd never seen him drunk before; even the one time we'd drunk wine together, he hadn't drink much and his attitude'd never changed. I was... appalled. And I knew it was all my fault. A wave of guilt washed over me.

I crawled onto the sofa with my knees and put my hand on his shoulder. I whispered his name and when he glanced up, I was taken aback greatly. He looked... out of it. His eyes were red and there were dark circles under his eyes. And the bewildered look in his eyes made me think that he was hallucinating.

When he didn't say anything (only stared at me like I was some kind of a miracle) I said: "We need to talk."

He took a moment to collect himself. "Sorry, I didn't know you were coming." He glanced at the clock on the wall. It showed 1.25. I got the urge to say 'me neither', but decided against it.

He then said: "If you don't mind, wait here a little. I'll be right back."

I nodded and he left the room. A few minutes later I could hear the shower being turned on. I looked around in the room. Even though it was late, I wasn't the slightest bit tired. I got up and decided to clean a little. I started with the dirty dishes and gathering the empty bottles into a plastic bag. He took unusually long, but I didn't mind. By the time he returned (in jeans, naked above waist, with wet hair and a towel draped around his neck, looking a lot more like the Sasori I knew, even though there were still dark circles below his eyes) the living room was clean.

We stared wordlessly at each other for a while. I had so much to say – so many words right on the tip of my tongue – yet I didn't say anything. I felt horrible seeing him like this. He'd always been strong as a stone, and to have him all broken down like this... it was more than I could bear.

I walked up to him, dug my hands into his hair and put our foreheads together, staring him in the eye. "Is all this because of me?" I asked. Oh God, he looked so... sad and broken. I thought I deserved the death penalty.

"Pathetic, isn't it?" he replied.

I wanted to say something, to make it better for him, but couldn't find the right words for the life of me. So I gave up. Instead of using words, I hugged him as hard as possible and pressed my lips against his. It was supposed to say everything I couldn't express verbally – I love you, I missed you, you're forgiven, forgive me, please take me back.

I felt happy and relieved when he hugged me back and returned the kiss. The reunion was a wonderful one. I guess it doesn't surprise anyone that we ended up (pretty quickly) in the bedroom. Should I be embarrassed of writing all this down in a diary? Let me know, coz I'm not.

I've already mentioned this before, but being held by Sasori is one of the best feelings ever. And after days of worrying and stressing, I could finally breathe calmly. I felt relieved, I felt – warning: it's gonna sound cliché – absolutely perfect. It made worrying over future seem utterly pointless. Who the fuck cares what happens tomorrow if I'll have Sasori?

I loved when I sat on his lap, our bare chests and stomachs pressed together as he covered my shoulders and neck with kisses. I loved hearing him whisper that he loves me and returning that line to him. It was as though the past days had never happened. I fell asleep quite quickly in his arms. I never want to sleep anywhere else again.

It's hard to describe – the feeling that always overwhelms me when I embrace him. Sasori's warm, his hands wrap around me like a protective castle. Yanno how most people feel like nothing can harm them when they're under a blanket? Well, the same thing is true for me when I'm embraced by Sasori. It's just – out of this world!

Waking up was just as wonderful. We kissed, had breakfast (I ate cereal while he drank coffee and checked his emails on his laptop). I learnt that he'd been absent from work while I hadn't been here. It makes me feel like I'm a drug to him or something... I can't say I mind in the least though. He said he needed to go back today though. I said that he'd better.

I'm gonna write down a piece of our conversation from this morning:

He asked me what I was planning on doing while he was at work.

"I need to get my stuff from Venus and bring them here, since I'm moving in again..." Our eyes locked and we both smiled at it. And I felt no traces of a single worry - it was amazing! Like a heavy burden had been taken off my shoulders! "Then I'm gonna come to your office so we could go out for lunch. And at eight I have to be at Venus."

Maybe it was just me, but I sensed then the atmosphere suddenly turning tense. Sasori gazed at me and decided to be brutally blunt: "Deidara, I don't want you working at that place."

Truth be told, I'd suspected that for some time, but it wasn't like I could quit. I wanted to confirm his exact reasons before arguing, though. "Why?"

His look told me that it should've been obvious. "Aside from the fact that I don't want you sleeping with others, prostitution is also dangerous. You never know who you might end up with. Before you know it, you could find yourself in some creepy old man's bed who has no intentions of letting you leave after he's done."

"Are you implying to yourself?" I muttered quietly, eyes on my cereal. I'd known it was likely to piss him off, but it'd seemed hilarious in my head. How could've I stopped myself from blurting out something so hilarious?!

"Exactly." Sasori's eyes had looked dangerous back then and I'd sensed that I should've been scared of them, but I wasn't. I understood that he wasn't joking, though.

"I was planning on quitting prostitution anyway," I lied smoothly. I wasn't sure whether I could convince Kakuzu but I had to try. "But I don't see anything wrong with pole dancing. I'm (nearly) untouchable on the stage and I earn a lot. Soon I'll be able to afford going to a university again."

Sasori had looked surprised. "You're planning on entering university?"

I realized I hadn't told him and how there could be trouble, since I'd probably have to move. And I felt worried again. I nodded.

"Wise choice. Have you thought of which one yet?" He didn't seem to share any of my worries, which surprised me. He sounded so caring about me, I'm convinced there was a dumb expression on my face.

"The nearest art university, probably..." I muttered.

"Deidara, you shouldn't pick your university based on where I live. We can figure something out, I'm certain."

SEE?! I'VE TOLD YOU THAT HE'S FUCKING PERFECT and I feel so bloody stupid for actually thinking I'd have to choose between him and education. I should've realized sooner that Sasori would be encouraging me to continue my studies rather than being an obstacle on the way.

Actually, now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure he would've lectured me and made me change my mind had I told him that I wasn't going to continue.

"Despite the cause, I still don't approve of it, Dei."

"Sasori, I can't get a better paying job anywhere without a diploma. And without that money, I can't continue my studies, for I refuse to let you pay for them and Tsunade... has already stated her opinion. It's not like I enjoy stripping in front of strangers, but a few more months I can tolerate and I'll be able to quit in spring."

And that's how our 'argument' ended. Deidara 1 – 0 Sasori. Coz you can't fight against logic. Although I suspect that we will be having a new argument over it soon enough.

At the moment I'm sitting in Sasori's office and he's finishing an email, glancing at me from time to time with bedroom eyes. I'm still not sure whether he's mad at me for snapping at his secretary earlier and telling her that Sasori isn't single anymore, or not. (That bitch was blushing way too flirtily, I couldn't help it. She should've paled at the sight of Sasori! Good thing I've made sure she does from now on – I added that her boss Mr. Akasuna is into BDSM and uses knives and whips in his bedroom. I swear the bitch nearly peed her pants! xD)

I guess I'll find out whether he's mad or not later tonight... if he shows up with a knife and a whip, then I'll assume he's slightly mad.

I just realized that I have no idea how old Sasori is. How weird. I'm gonna ask him when he finishes.

Bye for now,

Deidara

(A Little Piece of Heaven (by Avenged Sevenfold)

 


	17. Seventeenth Entry

_December 18th, Saturday, 2.03 AM_

Dear diary,

Why am I writing so late/early? Coz I can't sleep, that's why. Nope, nothing bad happened, I just can't sleep. Chill out. I left Sasori sleeping peacefully in our bedroom and am sitting in the living room with a cup of hot chocolate myself.

So. There's this one thing – thought – running aloof in my head, probably the reason I can't sleep. Christmas. That shit. Yesterday I glanced at the calendar by accident and now that's all I can think about. WHAT THE FUCK AM I GONNA GET SASORI FOR CHRISTMAS?

"Quit your job." That'd be his answer, no doubt. Haha, not happening.

Frankly, I don't know much about Christmas. I know about the bible and Jesus and the story behind it, but not actually about the whole tradition itself. Like, how do you get presents? Does someone dress up as a Santa and get paid to drop presents under the tree or something? What if the alarm goes off and they're arrested? What if the family has a dog? Do Santas have to be athletic to be able to run away quickly enough?

Tsunade being a dedicated doctor, she spent most Christmas Eves at hospital, so I was usually left home alone with a mountain of presents waiting to be opened up and a TV with tons and tons of movies. And food, of course. It wasn't really fun for me as a child, though. I had tons of stuff other children couldn't even dream of, but I had no one to share them with. I usually felt terribly lonely and waited for Tsunade to get back, so we could open the presents together.

On the better years, I could spend Christmas at a friend's place. Parents usually saw me as a nice and helpful, although quite quiet and feminine looking young boy. I remember a few times I was invited over for a Xmas slumber party. Those times made me really happy.

But nothing beat that one time Tsunade got to stay home. She had to leave for the night, but was back before I woke up and we had the whole day for ourselves. It was so nice. Sad to admit, but I actually miss that woman. I wasn't the one who cut the other off, though, so there really isn't anything I can do about it.

Enough of reminiscing. Back to the topic. What should I get Sasori? Yeah, I'm asking an inanimate object because I have no one else to ask. The only people I know in this town, besides Sasori, are the ones at Venus. I can already imagine the conversation with Kakuzu.

Me: "So, you single or taken?"

Kakuzu: "I will deduct your paycheck."

Me: "Geesh, sorry. I just wanted to ask for advice on what to give a boyfriend for Xmas."

Kakuzu: "Fuck more clients to earn more money, and fuck him extra hard on Xmas Eve."

Me: "Never mind."

Yeah, I think I'll pass. Although I could ask Kisame. He's freaky, but quite nice. Maybe he'll have some ideas. That would be nice, coz I have none. ZERO. Like, what should it be like? I've never given anyone but Tsunade a Xmas present. What do couples give each other? Something kinky? No? Wouldn't make much sense to give him a vibrator, since he already has a dick. HELP.

Had to stop writing for a moment since Sasori caught me off guard by walking in. Might as well write down our conversation:

Me: (sees him enter, slams diary closed) Why are you awake?

Him: I could ask you the same. (kisses my forehead) The bed felt too empty, guess that's what woke me. Is everything alright? (his eyes glance at my diary, maybe a little suspiciously)

Me: Yeah, I just couldn't sleep, so I thought I'd write a little. Sorry for waking you. Didn't mean to.

Him: (smiles really warmly) It's alright.

Me: You can go back to bed. I'll come soon. Just wanna finish writing.

Him: (pecks my lips briefly) Alright. Hurry back. (leaves)

Something like that. Heh.

Oh btw, to answer the two questions in the last entry – nope, he didn't get mad at me for teasing his secretary (haha, he lets me off too easy at times) and he's 29. Ten years older than me. I don't know what I'd expected – he looks so… timeless. Is that a word? Like time doesn't actually age him. He looks old and young at the same time.

Kinda reminds me of a song. "I was only nineteen, he was twenty-nine. It's just ten years, but it's such a long time. In a heartbeat, I would do it all again…" Nothing left to lose by The Pretty Reckless, btw.

Alright, I'm getting really tired. I should sleep. I still have time left till Xmas anyway and I'm not going to think of anything brilliant at this time of night.

Nighty,

Deidara

(With Arms Wide Open by Creed)

 


	18. Eighteenth Entry

_December 18_ _th_ _, Saturday, 8 PM_

Dear diary,

I'VE MADE A LIST OF GIFT IDEAS FOR SASORI: (don't laugh. I'm warning you! Did I just tell a notebook not to laugh? I don't even…)

* Sexy underwear. Totally legit.

* A book for workaholics and on how to overcome the illness

* Reindeer horns. Wouldn't please him much, but it'd guarantee me a healthy dose of laughter at least.

* Clothes? On a second thought, he has so many clothes already and I'm not sure he'd wear what I gave him…

* …

* …

* …

* I really don't know what to give him.

So much for that. I wonder if he's struggling over my present just as much as I am over his. Meh.

Kisame called me today. He told me to come to Venus tomorrow morning. No explanations. What the fuck.

Anyways, today was extremely weird.

We watched 'Bad Teacher' in the morning. I didn't feel like going out since it was snowing and all cold hell was loose outside, so Sasori, being a creepy, fearless penguin, went to the mall and rented a DVD. I'd made popcorn by the time he got back and we watched the movie.

I leaned against him the whole time. Heh. He was so warm I couldn't help it. From time to time I caught him playing with my hair. I don't really appreciate people touching my hair, but it since it's him, I let it be.

The movie was halfway through when things got weird. We both heard someone knocking at the door and I got up to answer it. I was surprised to find a woman in her late twenties standing behind the door. She didn't look cold, even though she was standing in the middle of a snow storm. I asked her what she wanted. I couldn't recall Sasori mentioning any hot chicks coming over. Her hotness made me suspicious.

She asked whether Sasori Akasuna lived here. I said yes. She asked who I was. I said it was none of her fucking business. She asked if she could talk to Sasori. I turned around and called out for Sasori. When I turned back, she had disappeared. BANG. Like what the bloody fuck. It was creepy as hell. She had looked creepy too. Her skin was pale and hair light blonde. Her white coat had made her look like a ghost.

I told Sasori what had happened and he agreed on it being weird. He asked whether it could've been a beggar or a homeless person, but I shook my head. She had looked way too well dressed for any of that. I swear she was wearing the same coat I'd seen at a shop a few days ago and had walked away from because of its price.

What I found the weirdest at that moment was the fact that she knew Sasori. That meant Sasori probably knew her too. Why had she wanted me to call for Sasori, if she wasn't actually interested in talking to him? Creep.

But wait. That wasn't all.

We went back to watching to movie, cuddled up and all; then my eyes happened to momentarily glance at the window. I SWEAR THAT BITCH WAS STANDING RIGHT BEHIND IT, PEEKING IN. She had her face and hands pressed against the window and was staring at me and Sasori like a fucking maniac.

Of course, I did what any other grown man would've done. I screamed like a little girl.

By the time I managed to get out the words to explain it to Sasori, she had already disappeared. I WAS SCARED, FREAKED OUT LIKE FUCKING HELL.

Sasori tried to calm me down. He suggested that he'd go out to check, but I argued back heatedly ("WHAT IF SHE GETS IN HERE AND EATS ME ALIVE WHILE YOU ARE OUTSIDE?!") So he convinced me to go out with him. I put on everything I had stored for winter – a coat, hat, scarf and gloves; and in spite of Sasori's complaint, took the butcher knife we had in the kitchen with me.

I really wanted to stab that hoe. Like, BITCH, THIS ISN'T HALLOWEEN. STOP LOOKING LIKE A FUCKING GHOST AND SCARING THE SHIT OUT OF PEOPLE.

In the end we didn't find anyone, but there were footprints outside, which proved that I hadn't imagined it. I'm not sure if I'm glad or not. Good to have Sasori believe me, but I wish I'd imagined it. It isn't a pleasant feeling to know that you've got a potential stalker.

So yeah. This is what my C-R-E-E-P-Y day was like. Bye for now, we're gonna watch another movie with Sasori.

Ciao,

Deidara

(Damage by Fit For Rivals)

 


	19. Nineteenth Entry

_December 19th, Monday, 11 PM_

Dear diary,

Things were plain creepy, and then they managed to get even creepier. "At least it's Monday!" – said no one, ever.

The day started out like most Mondays – in the shittiest possible way. I went to Venus like Kisame had asked me to and got yelled at by Kakuzu BIG TIME. He called me a slut, a whore (you don't say, bitch?) and tons of other names that are mostly used for women (well fuck you too, bastard). He even SLAPPED me, that fucking bastard. I so felt like killing him. When I walked out of Venus, my cheeks were completely red – both from slapping and me being enraged – and there was a small wound just below my eye. All that because I still refused to take private clients. The day he'll kick me out for good can't be far.

I was actually holding out all emotions pretty nice until I got to Sasori's work place. It was so ridiculous. I literally burst into tears when I entered the elevator and almost ran into his office, ignoring his secretary. I'm not even sure if she greeted me or not – maybe I've scared her too much already.

Basically, I barged in and, even though I saw that he was on the phone, dashed towards him and threw my arms around his frigging neck. I don't think he was surprised, he's prolly used to my hasty nature already. He excused himself from the conversation he had on the phone, saying he had another call on the line and would have to call back soon. He hung up.

I could hear frustration in his sigh as he rubbed his eyes and then looked over at me, clinging to him like there was no tomorrow. I know he didn't appreciate me disturbing him at work – he's told me so before – but I can't say I felt bad or guilty for it. He let me act so himself. He could've got angry with me and yelled at me, but he didn't. This doesn't exactly encourage me to follow the rules.

He asked me what was wrong, but I refused to talk. Just sitting with him there felt nice and I wasn't crying anymore. After all, I couldn't outright tell him that Kakuzu had beaten me, he would've been furious. He wouldn't have let me set my foot in that club anymore.

He didn't force me to talk; just caressed my head and back, occasionally kissing me on my head. He asked me if I wanted to go grab a lunch now (even though there was an hour left until his usual lunch break).

I said that, that would be nice. I turned my head on his shoulder so I could see him, and asked for a kiss. He may have slightly rolled his eyes, but what I really knew was that he pressed his lips against mine a moment later. Oh heavenly heavens of all kisses, Sasori's lips and tongue are amazing.

We went out to eat and, as Sasori had to get back to the office afterwards, I was left alone to roam the streets. My mood had improved, so I didn't really mind. I decided to use the time to look around in a mall for his present.

I found a cool silver necklace (like a chain) that I thought would look good on him. For some reason, when I imagined him wearing it, he was only in his boxers. Oh stupid, stupid, stupid dirty mind. But it did look good. Very good. I decided I'd look around a little bit more, and if nothing else caught my eye, I'd get the necklace.

In the end I ended up forgetting myself reading in a bookstore and didn't avert my eyes from the book until I finished it, and it was already past 6 pm. I bought the book – it was an erotic book, and I thought Sasori might've enjoyed it (heh) – and bought the chain necklace too, just because I liked it. Then I rushed home.

At home, I was in for a surprise. Unpleasant, obviously, and extremely surprising.

I had just kicked off my shoes and made my way to the living room, when I spotted HER. THAT FUCKING GHOST. ON MY (Sasori's) COUCH.

No, I didn't scream this time. I was more experienced, and rational this time. I grabbed a kitchen knife and pointed it at her, demanding for an explanation as to why she was here.

That was when Sasori decided to join us.

I was only mildly surprised when he told me to put away the knife. I only lowered it, not letting go of it yet. Not before an explanation.

Sasori apologized for not warning me and explained that this was his cousin. He burst out laughing when I told him that this was the ghost that had haunted me before.

He introduced us. Deidara – Mika; Mika – Deidara. Cousin – boyfriend; boyfriend – cousin. This made Mika laugh and she quipped that she'd always known Sasori was gay. Mildly awkward. I wouldn't have minded her leaving.

But noooo, Mika had to taaaaaalk about I don't know what (didn't bother paying attention, seemed irrelevant) and I couldn't leave to another room, because that would've seemed IMPOLITE. Catch me giving a fuck.

It was only when I told Sasori that I needed to go (to Venus) that he said "I'll come with you" which was the signal for Mika to leave. FINALLY. Ugh. She promised, however, to 'visit soon'. OH JOY. I'll make sure to be out at that time.

Sasori escorted me to Venus and waited for me, watched the show, so we could go home together.

And now here I am, writing it all down. I think Sasori's out of the shower now. I'm gonna go over there and demand for attention. In the bedroom. Because today has sucked so so sooo much. I want him to- yeah. Wink wink.

Anyways, see ya later,

Deidara

(Horror of our love by Ludo)

 


	20. Twentieth Entry

_December 22nd, Thursday, 12 am_

Dear diary,

To start with, things have been quite good with Mi-bitch-ka. She hasn't shown up yet and between you, me and the world, I hope she never will. If winter cold is going to kill anyone, I wish for it to be her.

On another note, something seems to be off with Sasori. He's been even quieter than usual in the recent days and I can't imagine what could cause it. My hostility towards his stupid cousin? Can't be. I'm mean as hell to his employees all the time – I snap at them, insult them, make sexual innuendos – and he's never said anything about it. Maybe it's because it's his close family this time? Still not buying it. He was friendly towards that woman, but I could see that she was boring him. He probably dislikes her nearly as much as I do.

Also, I have asked him what we're gonna do at Christmas. He merely shrugs his shoulders and says, "We'll see." Highly suspicious. At least I don't have to worry about his presents anymore. Only gotta wrap them up all nice and stuff.

Anyways, Sassy-bossy has finished now and we're going out for lunch.

See ya,

Deidara

(Addicted by Saving Able)


	21. Twenty-First Entry

_December 24, Saturday, 2.05 PM_

Dear-

Screw that.

This can't be happening, this can't be happening, holy bloody hell.

Let me get you straight into the heat of this mess. I'm in a car, Sasori's. He's driving. And I was just informed that we're going to spend Christmas with Tsunade.

You think I'm joking, right? Har har, I'm in such a humorous mood that I'd murder half the town just to laugh. At first, I thought he was joking too, but when I realized he was serious, I was all like WTF, you can't be serious.

I told him that I had no intentions of seeing that bitch again and that I'd rather spend the following days in the car than set a foot inside her house. He said that he'd talked to Tsunade and the whole point of this visit was for us to make up. I said I'd only make up with her if she apologized first for mercilessly cutting me off like that. I mean, I nearly committed suicide! Hadn't it been for Sasori. Sasori said that we would see how things turned out.

Now that I think about it, the fact that Tsunade even agreed to see us, me, has to mean that she has forgiven me to some extent. Otherwise, I doubt she'd bother even letting us in. So maybe there is a good side to all this.

On the other hand, I'm pretty scared of seeing her after all this time and I'm not sure how eager I am to forgive her. To that, Sasori replied with "You'll forgive her. She's family. And don't worry, I'll protect you from her, should that be necessary."

Either he thinks he's very funny, or he doesn't know Tsunade at all. Hm… the latter.

Anyways, all in all, to sum up this bullshit, I'm gonna die. My funeral tomorrow at 4. I'll ask Sasori to bring you along, dear diary.

See you,

(or not)

Deidara

(Like Suicide by Seether)

 


	22. Twenty-Second Entry

_December 24, Saturday,?:? AM/PM_

Oh GOD. I feel like I have a Mom and Dad again. And let me tell you, it isn't as pleasant and heart-warming as it might sound.

What was it that Sasori said again? That he'd protect me from Tsunade? Protection, my ass.

…that didn't come out right.

This is basically how it all went down:

We arrived at Tsunade's house. She was waiting outside to welcome us. She gave me a "Hello, Deidara" and Sasori a "Pleasure to finally meet you, Mr. Akasuna" after which Sasori said "Call me Sasori. And the pleasure is all mine." Can I say YUCK? Like yeaaaaah… right. Who in the fucking hell would take pleasure in meeting this old witch?!

Alright. We carried our luggage in, Tsunade showed us to the guest room since she'd had my room renovated or something after I left for uni. I dunno, she never specified the details or WHY she needed to change MY room when she has like 50 other in the house (it's a big ass house, I've told you that, right?).

After that she asked us to join her in the living room for a cup of tea. It was creepy how nice she was being towards Sasori and how cold she was to me. Even though Sasori kissed my forehead in front of her and told me to stop making that face ("Your aunt didn't invite us here to eat you."), the whole thing sucked. I did neither feel "welcome" nor "at home". Tsunade sucked, Sasori sucked, the whole place sucked and deserved to be burned down.

I thought that if I wasn't able to convince Sasori to leave with me soon, I'd sneak out of the house on my own at some point and take his car. Screw not having a license – I know how to drive (I mean, how hard can pushing down a pedal and holding the wheel be?) and don't need some stinking piece of paper with an ugly picture of me to prove it.

I was actually still hoping, despite myself, that it wouldn't be necessary, since Sasori had promised…

When we sat down on the living room sofa, they started a conversation. I emphasize THEY. My oh-so-somewhat-lovely boyfriend and even-lovelier auntie started a conversation ABOUT me, as though I wasn't even present.

Tsun: "What Deidara did was shameful and I cannot accept that."

Sasori: "I completely agree with you." (I nearly choked on my tea.)

T: "I'm very glad you do, Sasori. You seem like an intelligent man and I dearly appreciate you taking care of him for all that time. As I've gathered, you two met at Deidara's uni, correct?"

I nearly spilled my tea again. Like, what the hell was she talking about?!

And then I saw Sasori nod.

That BIG. ASS. LIAR! I really wished I could put his pants on fire for real. And literally.

So now I was the only shameful person in the room?! NOT Sasori, who had ordered me from a pimp AFTER seeing me dance in a strip club?!

ARGGGHHH. That was when I understood why Tsunade acted all so nice to him. She barely knows half the story!

Alright, so the convo continued:

T: "Since you understand my motives for cutting my nephew off, I take it you also see why I can't continue funding his studies."

S: "You're absolutely right, but I also think it shouldn't continue like this. Deidara's actions were a mistake, but we all make mistakes, do we not? Especially at such a young age."

Oh sure, IN ADDITION to being a shameful whore who was taken in by Saint Gabriel himself, I am also now an immature, young punk, who doesn't know how life works now. Why thank you, you're too kind. Could I please ask for ONE insult at a time? That would be nice. Maybe it'll inspire me to spare half of your face, when pouring acid on the other half.

ANYWAYS, Tsunade was nodding at Sasori's words and seemed all thoughtful. Because that's what MATURE people did – Gosh, why didn't I take down notes? I could learn so much from those two on how to life my life. Lesson One, kill yourself with work. Lesson Two, abandon your only relative. Lesson Three, strip bars are the perfect places for finding boyfriends!

Sasori continued, "Now what I suggest is that after Deidara quits his job, he can come work at my company part time." (I stopped breathing for a moment.) "I need an assistant anyway and after a few days of practice, Deidara will be able to take on the job for sure. And starting in September, he could enroll in another art college with your help."

I could not believe the things I was hearing. When had he come up with all this?! And why was I only NOW hearing about it? I was speechless. But that was okay, since no one seemed to be interested in my opinion anyway. Ugh.

Tsunade said that she'd think about it (oh wow) and then excused herself, saying she had something important to take care of at the hospital, but she would join us for Christmas dinner later. Oh joy, I can't wait!

She left Sasori and me alone in the living room.

I was ticked, to put it lightly, and as soon as Tsunny-bunny left, made sure Sasori knew how much he ticked me off too.

"WTF? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME? WHO GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO MAKE MY FUCKING DECISIONS FOR ME, HUH?! DAMN SICK BASTARD!" There was more, but I'm too lazy to write it all down.

Sasori didn't look the slightest bit surprised and listened to my yelling without interrupting it until I had nothing left to say. I must tell you, it took a while.

He then said, "I have made no decisions for you. You're still free to choose whatever option you might like. I just thought that you would like this one the most. I apologize if I was wrong."

Come to admit it, he wasn't. This option exceeded even my wildest dreams. I just don't feel welcome at all at this place and don't see how Tsunade and I could ever make up. I told Sasori that.

Sasori then wrapped his arms around me and assured me everything would turn out fine. That I need to give Tsunade a chance and she needs to do the same for me. He pressed his lips against my forehead and then against my lips. I pretty much calmed down after that.

At the moment, we're just watching TV and waiting for Tsunade's return. She called and said she'd be here in ten minutes max. Breaaatthhee in and exhaleee. Relax. Fingers crossed?

Ciao for now,

Deidara

(In the shadows by the Rasmus)

 


	23. Twenty-Third Entry

_December 29th, Thursday, 1:20 AM_

Deaaaaar diary,

Yo.

I haven't got to write for a few days, I've been busy and no, don't expect me to apologize to you. You should still know your place, you inanimate stack of papers stapled together.

So, here I am again, writing at ungodly hours of the night. I sort of ditched Sasori in the bed. I couldn't sleep bleh. Again. I need sleeping pills or some shit.

ANYWAYS, here's what's been going down these past few days:

On Dec 24, Tsunade did return (quite late, but she still made it) and we had dinner together. The three of us. I'd say it went a bit better than the conversation Sasori had had with her before that - the one I described - during which they'd talked behind my back IN FRONT OF ME. Yanno?

Actually, it was quite... strange. It got pretty emotional, I should say.

It started off with Tsunade saying in a tone that was forced casual, but I could actually tell she was holding back all the emotions bubbling inside of her, "A patient of mine died tonight in the hospital."

Quite obviously both Sasori and I were taken aback by the statement, so there was a bit of a silence, before Sasori said, "I'm sorry." I stayed quiet. I could have said "Me too", but I thought of it too late.

Tsunade continued, "Me too. I'm fine, but I just happened to witness a very emotional scene between her and her daughter. The daughter had run away from home at the age of 17 because of some problems they'd had and this was the first time she saw her mother in 10 years - on her mother's deathbed. And this is why I want to apologize to you Deidara." (She addressed me so suddenly that it caught me seriously off guard.) "I apologize for saying what I did back then on the phone. (I remember.) Because I don't want us to end up like that woman and her mother."

I was stunned speechless and didn't get a word out of my mouth.

She added, "I know what you did was shameless, but I also realize that you must have had your own reasons - you were probably facing more difficulties than I could imagine. Therefore, I am sorry and I apologize. Will you accept my apology?"

I had a lump in my throat. I've never been good at these things. But I managed to get a hold of myself and say, "I'm sorry, too. For everything."

And that was like our make-up. The rest of the dinner continued in a lighter atmosphere, which was pretty good. I didn't feel as tense anymore. It was nice.

When we left the next day, Tsunade said to me, before I got in the car, "You'll always be my dear nephew, never forget that. Feel free to contact me whenever you'd like to." She didn't hug me after that, that's not her style, but she gave me a warm smile, which, in her case, is pretty much the best you can get. I returned the smile.

On 27th, Sasori took me to his office with him. He'd said that, if I was going to work as his assistant, I was going to have to wear something smarter than my usual jeans & T-shirt, but it wasn't necessary on the first day.

He sat me down across the desk from him and explained that my job would be to help him with anything he needed help with - organizing papers, getting coffee, whatever. He also added that if I wanted promotion, getting him the best coffee is prolly the key.

I knew it was just a teasing joke, but I saw it as an opportunity and decided to use it.

"Is that the only way to get promoted? ;) "

He eyed me with suspicion, prolly wondering what was going thru my head now. "Hard work is another option."

"Hard..." I muttered with a wicked smirk, got up and circled around the desk to him. I ran a finger down his neck to his collar and hooked my finger onto it.

"What're you-?" Sasori started, but I cut him off, "You said hard work," I mused.

And then I did what any hooker would do. I knelt before him, quickly unbuckled his pants and got his cock out before he could stop me. When I ran my tongue along it, I could already tell by his expression that he wasn't going to stop me.

So I carried on. I took it in my mouth and started sucking, keeping my eyes on his face. He gripped the armrests hard and clenched his eyes shut, letting out a loud moan. I'm not sure this was the kind of hardwork he had had in mind, but it seemed to work quite well.

Until... There was a knock on the door and without waiting for permission, someone stepped in. I halted abruptly and peeked up at Sasori's face. He'd managed to pull on the perfect mask in a second, although I could still catch hints of uneasiness.

It was a good thing that the desk hid me.

"I'm sorry, Mr Akasuna, sir, but this is urgent - there's this client on the phone who-"

Sasori: "Put him on hold."

The woman: "No, but, sir, they-"

I had to hold back a chuckle then because I could see the kind of effect it had on my daaaarling. Being a fearless bastard, I gave his cock a little suck. I saw his hands clench into fists.

"Do I need to repeat myself?!" Sasori was angry, but I wasn't sure he was angry with me.

"N-no, sir." Geezus that bitch was annoying. "But wasn't Deidara here with you?" Oh that nosy bitch, haha... Yes, I was there alright~

I started sucking harder. I could see Sasori bite down hard on his lip. He said harshly, "I'm busy at the moment. Please do not disturb me."

Sucking harder.

"But-"

Harder.

Sasori's whole body was tense.

"Leave now!" he almost shouted.

In a second I could hear the door closing. I chuckled as I kept going.

"Deidara, you-" He didn't finish the sentence. A few more sucks and he came in my mouth, letting out a loud moan which could or could not have been heard by the bitch. I hope it was.

I stood up, smirking, scooting closer to him and biting down on his lip also. "Promotion? Did I get closer to it?"

He grabbed me by my collar and pulled me into a rough kiss to which I responded eagerly. His hand moved down to my pants and undid them quickly. He stood up and told me to turn around.

I did and was instantly pushed onto the table, sending everything that got in my way flying. I heard Sasori tear open two packages and slip a condom on my dick, so I wouldn't make a mess. I grinned, my cheek resting against the surface of the table.

He rammed into me harshly, prolly a bit pissed about the stunt I'd pulled. He kept rocking back and forth until the pleasure finally hit me and made me see stars. I screamed out loud. Funny thing was, Sasori seemed to care as little about anyone hearing us as I did.

My forehead covered up in sweat. I gripped the edges of the table, moaning loudly, letting it all out. "Mmmm - oh yeaaah - YEAAAH - oh GOD - RIGHT THERE - Sasorrriiiiiii - ah ah- feels - so good - oh god-" My head was turned to the side, so I could see his face. He was panting hard, eyes on me.

He pushed my shirt up to reveal my back and started kissing it, making my eyes close.

"Jesus, Sasori, you're a fuck god," I believe I said haha. I could definitely hear him laugh at that as he picked up the pace even more.

When we finished, I was tired as fuck and it wasn't even 9 AM yet. Sasori wanted me to get to work instantly (where the hell does he take that energy from?!) but I curled up on his lap in his seat and refused to move. He could have just pushed me off, but he didn't and I got to rest for half an hour while he checked his email on his phone (since he couldn't reach the laptop).

After that he forced me up quite mercilessly, though, but I still got a sweet, sweet make out session before getting up completely. I could tell he was having second thoughts about having me there, so I tried my best for the rest of the day, so he wouldn't actually kick me out. Because I'm pretty sure that no matter how much he likes having me around, if I start getting in his way at work, he'd rather I just stayed home.

Today - no, yesterday, damn it's so late already? - I went to Venus to tell them I quit. After what had happened last time, me getting slapped and all, I didn't want to go alone, so I asked Sasori to come along with me. Even though he still didn't know about the incident, he agreed without any questions, probably guessing the reasons for my request.

With him around, everything went quite smoothly. We went to Kisame first and told him. He didn't make a fuss or anything, just said "alright. too bad."I asked him, if it was absolutely necessary for me to face Kakuzu, too (he and I both knew why I would've liked to avoid that) and he said, "No, it's fine. I'll tell him myself." THANK YOU, KISAME.

So yeh, that was that. Sasori was very pleased. He had the whole "Now you're all mine" look on his face as he had his hand wrapped around me the entire time we walked to a cafe to grab some lunch.

I know I used to be really bothered by the whole "Personal stripper" context, but I can't say I am anymore. I mean, it's not like Sasori thinks of me that way and honestly I wouldn't mind stripping for him, if he asked me to. Ha... slutty. Actually, this is my plan B for times for when I can't think of anything to give him for Christmas or his birthday.

Soo I think I got everything written down. Geesh it's 2 AM already and I was supposed to go to the office with Sasori in the morning. Damn. Fuck.

Oh God, I think I hear footsteps. Mark my words, I'm gonna get dragged back to bed, using force.

So, adios!

Deidara

(I'm not an angel by Halestorm. Awesome band! ALSO You call me a bitch by Halestorm! GEESH SASORI STAAAHP IM COMIIIING)

 


	24. Twenty-Fourth Entry

_February 1st, 1.15AM_

Dear diary,

I was just re-reading my previous entries and I realized that I haven't written here for over a month. That's one thing. The other thing is that the next page is the last one in this notebook.

I wondered why I haven't been writing as much as I used to. I mean, it's not like my life is any more boring than it was before. Or rather my life wasn't much more interesting before than it is now. It's just that... all the things that happen, I discuss them with Sasori. Either in bed or over dinner table or when we go out or in the evenings or during lunch. No offence, but despite his stoic being, he is a much bwtter conversation partner than you.

And after talking it all through, I just don't feel like writing it down anymore. After discussing things with him, those things become my past and don't bug me anymore, so I don't feel the need to think about them anymore. Not like before when I had no one to discuss things with and they kept bugging me for weeks. I let them go much more easily now.

I read through my first entry here. It was... 5 months ago. Not even half a year. Yet my life has changed in such a drastic manner that I never dreamed possible back then. I mean seriously, I've gone from a broke college student to a stripper to a male prostitute to a college dropout to a suicidal young adult to a leech living at a nearly stanger's house to a part-time worker at one of the most successful companies around and now I'm just counting weeks till I can enter college again. I've lost everything, only to win back so much more. I'm alive and happy. That's much more than I had the courage to hope for at certain parts of this journey.

Oh, and I've found a person I truly and unconditionally love. That's way more than I've ever dared to hope for.

During the last month I've gotten used to working with Sasori. It's true that he sends me on errands outside of his office more often than I think is necessary, but that's probably so he could collect himself and not do me right there haha. I've gotten praised a lot and the only times he rebuked me where the few times I was a bit... distracted. All in all he says I make a great employee. Well duh. I'm not that hopeless.

He actually said he's planning on going on a holiday with me for my birthday in May, but the destination will be a surprise. Wow, right? I'm so excited! It's gonna be a hell of a trip wherever it is we will be going.

I've even called Tsunade. Looks like we will be spending Easter together. She invited us over. Even though I suspect she wants us to come mostly because of Sasori (that woman could bot have taken a stronger liking on him), I still like to tell myself that she sorta - kinda misses me too. Just a bit.

So yeah. I'm happy and content and a bit cold. I think I'm gonna head to bed now. Cuddling with my man. Be jelly haha. It will be warm there. Or even hot (;

Guess I won't see you again, but let me tell you, you did quite a good job at listening to my rants. It helped me through a lot. Thanks... diary.

Deidara

(I am beautiful with you by Halestorm)

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone enjoyed this story as much as I have cx


End file.
